SINGLE AND 30
Being ThirtySomething is rapidly becoming the crux age for many of us. It's the time when we have matured and have woken up one morning to understand finally who we are and what we are about. We generally have some idea of direction at this age and it is a time for choices and crossroads. Life may have begun at 40 in times gone by but these days your 30th birthday is the age to sit up and take note. It is a time for reflection and self analysis, for checking how we are doing with our ambitions, and coming to terms with the fact that we are passing into a more mature age group - like it or not. I am not suggesting that becoming 30 means getting older or changing our lives but there are few of us who doubt it is not a time when we start to think - think a lot.
Now dating is heavily related to this ThirtySomethings age group because now that careers have been sorted out and a salary is coming in regularly it has dawned on us that we better get a partner to share some of these things with. For women, it may be a time when children become dauntingly high on their list of priorities and the hunt is on for a suitable parent and father. It may not yet be a time for frantic panic but its not far away. We will not get steadily older and whilst some of us will get better with age, most of us start to look a little ragged round the edges so we need to secure the best dating options whilst we still can
Being ThirtySomething means having more time and money to date properly, to make decisive choices about who, where and what you want to date and to learn from past dating mistakes. By now most of us will have at least on important relationships in the bag though some of us will not yet have fallen in love. We have strong friendships and plenty of shared practical experience in the ways of the heart. But all is not well, dating as you get older becomes increasingly frustrating and tiring. Your base levels for a perfect match have increased and you are becoming increasingly selective. You are tired of meeting jerks and timewasters and people who simply don't match with you, people out for sex and anything they can get.
The other major thing to add is that dating for ThirtySomethings is higher risk. Time is moving on, you don't want to waste more years in another failed relationship so you become determined to get it right so you become more cautious and careful. You are aware of divorce law, so you are also aware that you can meet the wrong person and they could take half of what you worked so hard to achieve. You have become cautious in your old age.
Dating fatigue has set in if you have been single for some time and you feel increasingly frustrated that you will not meet the right person. There is a tiny dread in the back of your mind that it may not be possible to meet Mr. or Miss Right because just maybe they don't exist. Increasingly you may come across unparalleled shallowness, in both sexes. Men can lose their hair in their thirties and women can age in different ways. Suddenly you won't do because you are thin on top or maybe your bosom isn't as pert as it was 10 years ago. You discover that that search for a soul mate may well be bull and that if you are George Clooney or Jennifer Aniston you will always do nicely.
The next issue to hit ThirtySomethings when dating is where to date. In your twenties you were are trance and rave clubs until 3am, or in bars with friends dancing until all hours and still able to be fresh in the office for 8.30am. Now you are 35, it isn't so easy to burn the candle at both ends. You need your sleep, you may not feel comfortable in places surrounded by people a decade younger so you may seek out solace in newer places. It is true that the cafe bar society has grown out of a wealthy ThirtySomething dating society and we can be thankful, but places to date are still not as easy to come by. It seems that clubs for ThirtySomethings are a little forced, and too directed to in your face dating. In other words, subtlety of the dating ritual has been lost, you are being checked out from the moment you enter the room.
Another issue that crops up with dating and ThirtySomethings is the age group we should date. Should we go for younger people, let us say aged 25 upwards, or maybe we like the more mature man or woman, let us say over 40. This really is an issue. It is an issue if we are still wanting children. In our thirties the people we may meet could already have a child or be separated or divorced and don't want another child. Or they may be actively seeking to have a child. If you are a woman you may be looking for a man who will make a good father. If you are a man you may be looking for a woman of child bearing age and therefore may not consider a woman over 40. This is the dilemma. Age starts to become a factor. It is possible you will feel you don't have much in common with someone aged 21 but do find them attractive, on the other hand you may find yourself drawn to the more mature aspects of an older man or woman. You can go in both directions at this age as you straddle the age gap.
The people we meet of our own age gap now have stories to tell, they may have baggage or they may have lost of baggage. We all have some kind of emotional dross we carry with us but in this age group it becomes very relevant. Do we want to meet people who already have a child by someone else, could we cope with children who aren't ours? There are a great many people on the rebound who have just spent years in relationships that didn't end. They could have had a 12 year marriage and be 31 and divorced and vowing never to get married again. Therefore, the people we meet as ThirtySomethings are far more complex than before.
The purpose of this article is not to provide answers but to acknowledge that being ThirtySomething is a very difficult age for dating and to recognize some of the factors that we are all sharing. I for one am 37 and never married so I know this subject well. We will carry on dating with renewed optimism but let us not forget that there are millions of people just like us, all looking for our perfect partner whilst coping with the issues stated.
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Sunday, 30 September 2007
Thursday, 27 September 2007
ARE YOU TOO AVAILABLE?
Here is a truth, most single people are too available. Far too available when dating. Think about the things you aspire to, good clothes, expensive Italian car perhaps, Tiffany jewelry, Rolex watches, a 100 foot yacht. Whatever. The fact is the things we most want or desire in life are often the least accessible. Things are seen to be worthwhile because they are rare. Rarity is the key ingredient here. The less we can get hold of something, the more we want it after the initial need or feeling of desire is created.
The unobtainable is oh so sweet, from the catwalk supermodel to Brad Pitt, we can dream but we cannot have. And that, my single friends is the point of this article. When you date stop being so available, stop being at the end of a phone, stop being available 24 hours a day and start being elusive. Why? For the reasons I have just said. Create the need and then remove it and the desire factors go through the roof.
The problem with following this brief piece of advice is that it is extremely difficult for mere single mortals to do. When we meet singles we really like we stop playing games, we want to be with them, we want to see them 24 hours a day, our waking hours are devoted to our next date. The problem is, our date may not see things the same way and soon boredom can set in. Worse, by being too available we cheapen our own attractiveness, we become far less rare, far more common and sadly far less desirable.
So what we need to do is train our single selves to be enigmatic and elusive and stop being so available. A single friend of mine worked in a bar in Manchester and was always attracting single girls but he never appeared to get anywhere after the first couple of dates. He is a lovely single guy and probably one of the most reliable single men I have ever met. He wanted to know why single women seemed to lose interest in him and stopped calling for dates so we performed an experiment. He was asked not to call the single women he dated, maybe once but after that let the women chase. They would leave messages, he didn't reply, if he did it was a while later. So they would pop into the bar to see him but he never offered to make new arrangements first. He maintained their interest levels and very soon he discovered that the single girls were now chasing him! The point here was that he had become elusive, he had an air of mystery now, was someone the single girls wanted to get to know. He was a challenge.
It has happened to me on numerous occasions that I have let myself become too available. I had to learn the hard way. I met a beautiful single girl whilst working in London and it appeared to be perfect from the moment we met, so much so that I threw my dating rules out of the window and we spent almost two full weeks together. Then all of a sudden it stopped. And she wanted to call things off. The fact was that I had become too available for her, I was there whenever she wanted, I had altered my routine too soon, too quickly and too much for things to work out. Of course I was available for all the right reasons but it had completely the wrong effect. I lost the single girl.
So when you meet someone you like, by all means get started down the dating path but ensure that you keep to your regular schedule and don't be available every day. If you are free both days of the weekend, one is for you, one is for your date. If you are free Tuesday and Thursday for dinner, let them know which is better for you. If they suggest Tuesday, you suggest Thursday. Don't call so frequently (which is extremely hard to do) and don't always answer your phone (yes really) and make sure that you can bring plenty of separate activity information back to your date when you do meet up.
For all the crazy forced separation, the dates you will have will be all the more spectacular. For many of you reading this you will think I am crazy or have misgivings about trying to do this and I bet that many of you won't listen when you meet the single person you are crazy about. The fact is, the less available you are to a degree, the more likely you will succeed in getting your Mr. Right or Miss.Right. Create the demand, become the diamond and then become as difficult top jewelers to get into, but sustain the desire factor - that's the way it works.
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Here is a truth, most single people are too available. Far too available when dating. Think about the things you aspire to, good clothes, expensive Italian car perhaps, Tiffany jewelry, Rolex watches, a 100 foot yacht. Whatever. The fact is the things we most want or desire in life are often the least accessible. Things are seen to be worthwhile because they are rare. Rarity is the key ingredient here. The less we can get hold of something, the more we want it after the initial need or feeling of desire is created.
The unobtainable is oh so sweet, from the catwalk supermodel to Brad Pitt, we can dream but we cannot have. And that, my single friends is the point of this article. When you date stop being so available, stop being at the end of a phone, stop being available 24 hours a day and start being elusive. Why? For the reasons I have just said. Create the need and then remove it and the desire factors go through the roof.
The problem with following this brief piece of advice is that it is extremely difficult for mere single mortals to do. When we meet singles we really like we stop playing games, we want to be with them, we want to see them 24 hours a day, our waking hours are devoted to our next date. The problem is, our date may not see things the same way and soon boredom can set in. Worse, by being too available we cheapen our own attractiveness, we become far less rare, far more common and sadly far less desirable.
So what we need to do is train our single selves to be enigmatic and elusive and stop being so available. A single friend of mine worked in a bar in Manchester and was always attracting single girls but he never appeared to get anywhere after the first couple of dates. He is a lovely single guy and probably one of the most reliable single men I have ever met. He wanted to know why single women seemed to lose interest in him and stopped calling for dates so we performed an experiment. He was asked not to call the single women he dated, maybe once but after that let the women chase. They would leave messages, he didn't reply, if he did it was a while later. So they would pop into the bar to see him but he never offered to make new arrangements first. He maintained their interest levels and very soon he discovered that the single girls were now chasing him! The point here was that he had become elusive, he had an air of mystery now, was someone the single girls wanted to get to know. He was a challenge.
It has happened to me on numerous occasions that I have let myself become too available. I had to learn the hard way. I met a beautiful single girl whilst working in London and it appeared to be perfect from the moment we met, so much so that I threw my dating rules out of the window and we spent almost two full weeks together. Then all of a sudden it stopped. And she wanted to call things off. The fact was that I had become too available for her, I was there whenever she wanted, I had altered my routine too soon, too quickly and too much for things to work out. Of course I was available for all the right reasons but it had completely the wrong effect. I lost the single girl.
So when you meet someone you like, by all means get started down the dating path but ensure that you keep to your regular schedule and don't be available every day. If you are free both days of the weekend, one is for you, one is for your date. If you are free Tuesday and Thursday for dinner, let them know which is better for you. If they suggest Tuesday, you suggest Thursday. Don't call so frequently (which is extremely hard to do) and don't always answer your phone (yes really) and make sure that you can bring plenty of separate activity information back to your date when you do meet up.
For all the crazy forced separation, the dates you will have will be all the more spectacular. For many of you reading this you will think I am crazy or have misgivings about trying to do this and I bet that many of you won't listen when you meet the single person you are crazy about. The fact is, the less available you are to a degree, the more likely you will succeed in getting your Mr. Right or Miss.Right. Create the demand, become the diamond and then become as difficult top jewelers to get into, but sustain the desire factor - that's the way it works.
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Wednesday, 26 September 2007
KISSING
Kissing is not such a clear-cut subject as you may think. It depends where you are sitting when reading this article. For many countries in Asia for example kissing is a private affair that almost never happens in public. I remember a Filipino guy I worked with in Singapore who was completely amazed to the point of hysteria that two men were seen kissing in public on the London tube. He simply couldn't deal with that concept at all. I have lived in Asia for a while and it was very rare the whole time I was there to meet indigenous people who kissed openly. Indeed in Thailand it was far more common to rub noses than to ever touch lips.
Kissing is a sexual act to some degree and some societies simply do not view kissing as appropriate behaviour in public. Even in the UK , overt kissing in public is often frowned upon by older members of the public, even if as a youngster its perfectly natural. Then again on a summer evening in Rome, or a city park in Paris, I would expect to see couples of every age group kissing passionately as the most natural thing in the world. It all depends on where you are you see.
In western society kissing is a pretty normal mainstream pastime and rather lovely at that. The problem occurs when we start dating and are not sure when we should kiss and to what extent. The crux appears to be that we want our first kiss with someone we like to be prefect. If we begin dating and we don't kiss its unsettling, but if we are French Kissing (openmouthed) on day 1 the romance can dissolve too quickly. So it is a matter of waiting.
There is no definite here but it is pretty much accepted that on a first date, if it goes well then you should offer or accept a small kiss on the cheek and nothing more. This will occur when you go your separate ways and says that a basic level of attraction has been built up. The desire may be to kiss the lips off your date but hold back if you can. Anticipation is the mother of desire.
Of course by your second date, if you are both displaying all the signs of attraction then it won't take long before you are kissing more passionately but again it depends on the situation, culture and person you are with. Find the right place and wait as long as you cam I was dating a girl in Hong Kong and waited two weeks , seeing her 4 times a week, before we kissed properly. Believe me the kiss was worth the wait because it happened at the top of the mountain above Hong Kong called The Peak set against the lightening of an electric storm. An electric kiss it surely was and totally memorable for all the right reasons.
One thing that amazes me even now is how many people can't kiss. What I mean by that is that there are some people out there for who kissing means the oral Olympics. Having your tonsils pinned against the back of your throat by a tongue hardened like a javelin is not pleasant. The other issue seems to be people who purse their lips and make their mouth very hard when kissing. Kissing is a soft, delicate and sensual pastime savored slowly. Follow the lips of your partner and take things slowly and gently, allowing lips to brush and move so much so that they hardly touch. Kissing should make you shiver. Concentrate on the delicate corners of the mouth which are extremely sensitive and generally let the force guide you. As many woman will tell a man, kissing can be undertaken for hours and many women prefer kissing to anything else. It can be extremely sensual and sexual so don't ignore the technique.
I remember a date once telling me that she could never kiss passionately until she was sure the man was in love with her. She felt that 'proper' kissing was so explicit that it was inextricably linked to sex. If she began to kiss properly she wanted to go to bed. This tell us that kissing on dates means different things to different people. Don't expect too much at first, a kiss to some people means a great deal more to some than it may to you.
Sometimes dates will be shy and require encouragement to kiss so once you have had a few dates do take the initiative if you feel your date is being a little too shy and requires cajoling. The problem with that though is that many men are convinced they have misread the signals and dare not try and kiss in case they are wrong. This in turn can lead to a man appearing as lacking in confidence which can be critically bad. Take it from me guys, if you are on your third or fourth date and you haven't kissed but you are getting on great you may be better taking some small initiative.
Guys should also remember that kissing does not automatically lead to any other physical contact for some time, so be patient and take things slowly.
· Make sure you know how to kiss
· Ensure your hygiene is spot on
· Carry some gum if you need to freshen up
· Floss regularly
· Remember to kiss gently and sensitively
· Wait until you are ready to kiss and choose your moment
· Allow the passion of kissing to build up slowly
· Remember that a first kiss should be memorable
· Take the initiative if your partner is shy
· Learn the key body signals that demonstrate conclusively that your date wants to be kissed
· Remember that good kissing can be as sensual as sex
· Appreciate that some people do not liked to be kissed in public
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Kissing is not such a clear-cut subject as you may think. It depends where you are sitting when reading this article. For many countries in Asia for example kissing is a private affair that almost never happens in public. I remember a Filipino guy I worked with in Singapore who was completely amazed to the point of hysteria that two men were seen kissing in public on the London tube. He simply couldn't deal with that concept at all. I have lived in Asia for a while and it was very rare the whole time I was there to meet indigenous people who kissed openly. Indeed in Thailand it was far more common to rub noses than to ever touch lips.
Kissing is a sexual act to some degree and some societies simply do not view kissing as appropriate behaviour in public. Even in the UK , overt kissing in public is often frowned upon by older members of the public, even if as a youngster its perfectly natural. Then again on a summer evening in Rome, or a city park in Paris, I would expect to see couples of every age group kissing passionately as the most natural thing in the world. It all depends on where you are you see.
In western society kissing is a pretty normal mainstream pastime and rather lovely at that. The problem occurs when we start dating and are not sure when we should kiss and to what extent. The crux appears to be that we want our first kiss with someone we like to be prefect. If we begin dating and we don't kiss its unsettling, but if we are French Kissing (openmouthed) on day 1 the romance can dissolve too quickly. So it is a matter of waiting.
There is no definite here but it is pretty much accepted that on a first date, if it goes well then you should offer or accept a small kiss on the cheek and nothing more. This will occur when you go your separate ways and says that a basic level of attraction has been built up. The desire may be to kiss the lips off your date but hold back if you can. Anticipation is the mother of desire.
Of course by your second date, if you are both displaying all the signs of attraction then it won't take long before you are kissing more passionately but again it depends on the situation, culture and person you are with. Find the right place and wait as long as you cam I was dating a girl in Hong Kong and waited two weeks , seeing her 4 times a week, before we kissed properly. Believe me the kiss was worth the wait because it happened at the top of the mountain above Hong Kong called The Peak set against the lightening of an electric storm. An electric kiss it surely was and totally memorable for all the right reasons.
One thing that amazes me even now is how many people can't kiss. What I mean by that is that there are some people out there for who kissing means the oral Olympics. Having your tonsils pinned against the back of your throat by a tongue hardened like a javelin is not pleasant. The other issue seems to be people who purse their lips and make their mouth very hard when kissing. Kissing is a soft, delicate and sensual pastime savored slowly. Follow the lips of your partner and take things slowly and gently, allowing lips to brush and move so much so that they hardly touch. Kissing should make you shiver. Concentrate on the delicate corners of the mouth which are extremely sensitive and generally let the force guide you. As many woman will tell a man, kissing can be undertaken for hours and many women prefer kissing to anything else. It can be extremely sensual and sexual so don't ignore the technique.
I remember a date once telling me that she could never kiss passionately until she was sure the man was in love with her. She felt that 'proper' kissing was so explicit that it was inextricably linked to sex. If she began to kiss properly she wanted to go to bed. This tell us that kissing on dates means different things to different people. Don't expect too much at first, a kiss to some people means a great deal more to some than it may to you.
Sometimes dates will be shy and require encouragement to kiss so once you have had a few dates do take the initiative if you feel your date is being a little too shy and requires cajoling. The problem with that though is that many men are convinced they have misread the signals and dare not try and kiss in case they are wrong. This in turn can lead to a man appearing as lacking in confidence which can be critically bad. Take it from me guys, if you are on your third or fourth date and you haven't kissed but you are getting on great you may be better taking some small initiative.
Guys should also remember that kissing does not automatically lead to any other physical contact for some time, so be patient and take things slowly.
· Make sure you know how to kiss
· Ensure your hygiene is spot on
· Carry some gum if you need to freshen up
· Floss regularly
· Remember to kiss gently and sensitively
· Wait until you are ready to kiss and choose your moment
· Allow the passion of kissing to build up slowly
· Remember that a first kiss should be memorable
· Take the initiative if your partner is shy
· Learn the key body signals that demonstrate conclusively that your date wants to be kissed
· Remember that good kissing can be as sensual as sex
· Appreciate that some people do not liked to be kissed in public
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Tuesday, 25 September 2007
BEING SINGLE
Being single means different things to each of us. For some it is a way of life. For a small minority, it is the way we always will be. For most of us, it is a constant battle with optimism. Hope springs eternal they say. We weren't designed to spend our lives alone. For the solitary monk it may be a life of dedication but for us mere mortals, its is a state of being that we hope is temporary.
Being single is not easy. It means first of all that we are daily responsible for every decision we make. We can't share decision making because there is no one close enough to share things with. We trust our friends but we will not have formed as close a bond as we do in a long term personal relationship. Therefore it us up to us to decide what we do each day, whether we go to work, what we will have for dinner, where we will go at a weekend, what we do on vacation and where and how we socialize.
When we get home in an evening there isn't anyone there (which is why so often we have cats and dogs) to welcome us. We prepare dinner alone (or don't bother), run a bath, take a shower and generally live a solitary existence punctuated by our social life and friends as well as work routine. One of the primary issues about being single is not being able to discuss things on our mind when we want to. In social circles we can to an extent and we may call up friends on the phone but this lacks the deeper understanding and compassion we receive from a close partner in a relationship.
We like to play ideas off each other, discuss, talk, think aloud and have pillow talk about the future. All of this is missing when single. Occasional dates or romantic encounters may provide passing closeness but in effect we remain single still. There is something interesting on the TV, but we won't chat about that until we are at work. We have an ailment that worries us, who do we discuss that with? There is an issue with a person at work, what should we do. Friends and family play their part but they don't fill that singleness we are likely to feel.
Cooking for one is a painful experience. What is the point of cooking a nice meal if there is no one to share it with. There is a great movie but we will watch it alone. We need to go shopping and get something new for the apartment but we are going to have to do without the fun of deciding together. Then of course there is sex. Sex-for-one is well known to most singles but its generally not what we were designed for.
Close relationships offer companionship, understanding, empathy, friendship as well as love and romance and without them, we are pretty much left to our own devices to fill that void. When we are younger there is so much to focus on that it may not be such an issue but as we get older we begin to discover that visiting the wonders of the world alone is deeply dissatisfactory.
Being single is a heightened sense because our society emphasizes couples. From meals for two in the grocery store, to paying for single supplements in hotels; much is set against the single person. Why do we pay extra for a single bed when on vacation? The we have our friends who are in couples which does much to heighten our sense of singledom. Dinner parties mean we are excluded due to not having a partner, or we are matched up with some geek we have little in common with by friends desperate to pair us off.
Adult society in the West is made up of approximately 33% single people and this is increasing at a remarkable rate. Admittedly in many areas of the service industry, singles are being seen as a new market and opportunities to cash in on single life are steadily coming into the market place. But again it emphasis a state of play we may not wish to be reminded of. When we set off outdoors on a weekend we will encounter many many couples along the way and we find ourselves wondering what it is about them that got them together when we are total treasures that no one appears to discover?
Therefore being single means being optimistic. It means keeping positive in the face of adversity. That adversity manifests itself through the thought in the back of our heads that whispers 'what if..'. What if we meet someone tomorrow, what if we spend out lives alone and never meet anyone again, what ever we never fall in love, what if no one actually likes us, what if we were meant to remain single. And it is this whispering that we fight to keep at bay daily by fighting to remain optimistic.
Optimism comes from the general knowledge that most of us will meet someone, we will find Mr. Right or Miss Right soon enough. But as we get older, we start to worry, even start to silently panic. If we are to meet our perfect match it has to happen before we are too old. We would like it to happen whilst we are still young enough. And as anyone in their 30's appreciates, as we get older , so time speeds up. In our twenties, time seemed endless. But as the wrinkles in the corner of our eyes demonstrates, one day we wake up and we are older, much older. And we are still single.
Being single is to an extent a triumph,. It means we have avoided the disappointment of dating disasters, wrong choices, and loneliness within a terrible relationship. It means we still have our own choices and our own sense of direction. We have the full sense of self determination and control over destiny. But at the same time it wears us down. It may be hard to admit, but the vast majority of us don't like being single. In fact we hate it.
We hate it because we don't get to share. We don't get to make happen the sharp image in our head of the perfect relationship we know is possible with the right partner. We have a never ending well of 'giving' that so far has been ignored. We want to give and we want to please. We wish to love and we want that opportunity. We are ready and willing but we are not allowed. Its almost like being in an isolation cell in prison. Being single heightens our sense of the need to give and it heightens the sense of frustration accordingly.
Being single isn't a cornfield full of casual sex, boozy nights, general lack of responsibility and carefree existence over the age of 25. Its a burden that many of us carry. Through failed relationships we have built up a mental list of the things we will never accept again in a relationship and at the same time it provokes and overpowering explanation of what we really do hope for. Being single isn't about choices, it is about circumstances. We know that had we been a certain place, had a certain life, then we probably wouldn't be single. But where we find ourselves today means that we are. Well we are for the time being.
By dating we keep our hopes alive. We realize that there is a light at the end of the tunnel. And whilst the most recent suitor may not have been the one for us, at least we are heading in the right direction. And that's how many of us cope with being single. We do everything we can to keep our hopes alive. We convince ourselves that being single is by choice and that we are just waiting to meet the right one. And that's true, that's exactly what we are doing. But the 'what if' whispers away. Our body clocks may tick louder, our hair may thin, but we KNOW we will get there in the end. We hope.
Being single means living with a sense of frustration that little else can match. We don't have the answers as to why we are alone. We even ask 'why me?' This isn't how we have envisaged our lives, this isn't how we saw our future. So why has it happened? What went wrong. Where did we go wrong? Where are all the nice guys and girls. Maybe they have all been snapped up. Maybe there simply aren't any and we are fooling ourselves. Then we remind ourselves of the few examples of great friends in great relationships and this provides us with the temporary proof we need. And then we begin to question ourselves further. We may even question our own judgment, wondered if we have missed our best opportunity to be in a good relationship. Maybe we are simply too choosey? Maybe it really is all our fault. But of course it isn't.
When vacations and national holidays and Christmas come along, then we are reminded heavily just what being single feels like. On Valentine's day we are also reminded that we are yet again this year solitary creatures. However this year will be different. We feel it. We have our sights set one on or two potentials and who knows where things may lead. Who knows, by Christmas we could be engaged.
Married people often think the grass is greener on the other side. People in bad relationships dream of the freedom of being single. I have been told many times that I don't know how lucky I am to be single. The next time someone says that to me, I will go over and stick my finger in their eye and remind myself indeed how lucky I am that I decided to do that..all by myself.
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Being single means different things to each of us. For some it is a way of life. For a small minority, it is the way we always will be. For most of us, it is a constant battle with optimism. Hope springs eternal they say. We weren't designed to spend our lives alone. For the solitary monk it may be a life of dedication but for us mere mortals, its is a state of being that we hope is temporary.
Being single is not easy. It means first of all that we are daily responsible for every decision we make. We can't share decision making because there is no one close enough to share things with. We trust our friends but we will not have formed as close a bond as we do in a long term personal relationship. Therefore it us up to us to decide what we do each day, whether we go to work, what we will have for dinner, where we will go at a weekend, what we do on vacation and where and how we socialize.
When we get home in an evening there isn't anyone there (which is why so often we have cats and dogs) to welcome us. We prepare dinner alone (or don't bother), run a bath, take a shower and generally live a solitary existence punctuated by our social life and friends as well as work routine. One of the primary issues about being single is not being able to discuss things on our mind when we want to. In social circles we can to an extent and we may call up friends on the phone but this lacks the deeper understanding and compassion we receive from a close partner in a relationship.
We like to play ideas off each other, discuss, talk, think aloud and have pillow talk about the future. All of this is missing when single. Occasional dates or romantic encounters may provide passing closeness but in effect we remain single still. There is something interesting on the TV, but we won't chat about that until we are at work. We have an ailment that worries us, who do we discuss that with? There is an issue with a person at work, what should we do. Friends and family play their part but they don't fill that singleness we are likely to feel.
Cooking for one is a painful experience. What is the point of cooking a nice meal if there is no one to share it with. There is a great movie but we will watch it alone. We need to go shopping and get something new for the apartment but we are going to have to do without the fun of deciding together. Then of course there is sex. Sex-for-one is well known to most singles but its generally not what we were designed for.
Close relationships offer companionship, understanding, empathy, friendship as well as love and romance and without them, we are pretty much left to our own devices to fill that void. When we are younger there is so much to focus on that it may not be such an issue but as we get older we begin to discover that visiting the wonders of the world alone is deeply dissatisfactory.
Being single is a heightened sense because our society emphasizes couples. From meals for two in the grocery store, to paying for single supplements in hotels; much is set against the single person. Why do we pay extra for a single bed when on vacation? The we have our friends who are in couples which does much to heighten our sense of singledom. Dinner parties mean we are excluded due to not having a partner, or we are matched up with some geek we have little in common with by friends desperate to pair us off.
Adult society in the West is made up of approximately 33% single people and this is increasing at a remarkable rate. Admittedly in many areas of the service industry, singles are being seen as a new market and opportunities to cash in on single life are steadily coming into the market place. But again it emphasis a state of play we may not wish to be reminded of. When we set off outdoors on a weekend we will encounter many many couples along the way and we find ourselves wondering what it is about them that got them together when we are total treasures that no one appears to discover?
Therefore being single means being optimistic. It means keeping positive in the face of adversity. That adversity manifests itself through the thought in the back of our heads that whispers 'what if..'. What if we meet someone tomorrow, what if we spend out lives alone and never meet anyone again, what ever we never fall in love, what if no one actually likes us, what if we were meant to remain single. And it is this whispering that we fight to keep at bay daily by fighting to remain optimistic.
Optimism comes from the general knowledge that most of us will meet someone, we will find Mr. Right or Miss Right soon enough. But as we get older, we start to worry, even start to silently panic. If we are to meet our perfect match it has to happen before we are too old. We would like it to happen whilst we are still young enough. And as anyone in their 30's appreciates, as we get older , so time speeds up. In our twenties, time seemed endless. But as the wrinkles in the corner of our eyes demonstrates, one day we wake up and we are older, much older. And we are still single.
Being single is to an extent a triumph,. It means we have avoided the disappointment of dating disasters, wrong choices, and loneliness within a terrible relationship. It means we still have our own choices and our own sense of direction. We have the full sense of self determination and control over destiny. But at the same time it wears us down. It may be hard to admit, but the vast majority of us don't like being single. In fact we hate it.
We hate it because we don't get to share. We don't get to make happen the sharp image in our head of the perfect relationship we know is possible with the right partner. We have a never ending well of 'giving' that so far has been ignored. We want to give and we want to please. We wish to love and we want that opportunity. We are ready and willing but we are not allowed. Its almost like being in an isolation cell in prison. Being single heightens our sense of the need to give and it heightens the sense of frustration accordingly.
Being single isn't a cornfield full of casual sex, boozy nights, general lack of responsibility and carefree existence over the age of 25. Its a burden that many of us carry. Through failed relationships we have built up a mental list of the things we will never accept again in a relationship and at the same time it provokes and overpowering explanation of what we really do hope for. Being single isn't about choices, it is about circumstances. We know that had we been a certain place, had a certain life, then we probably wouldn't be single. But where we find ourselves today means that we are. Well we are for the time being.
By dating we keep our hopes alive. We realize that there is a light at the end of the tunnel. And whilst the most recent suitor may not have been the one for us, at least we are heading in the right direction. And that's how many of us cope with being single. We do everything we can to keep our hopes alive. We convince ourselves that being single is by choice and that we are just waiting to meet the right one. And that's true, that's exactly what we are doing. But the 'what if' whispers away. Our body clocks may tick louder, our hair may thin, but we KNOW we will get there in the end. We hope.
Being single means living with a sense of frustration that little else can match. We don't have the answers as to why we are alone. We even ask 'why me?' This isn't how we have envisaged our lives, this isn't how we saw our future. So why has it happened? What went wrong. Where did we go wrong? Where are all the nice guys and girls. Maybe they have all been snapped up. Maybe there simply aren't any and we are fooling ourselves. Then we remind ourselves of the few examples of great friends in great relationships and this provides us with the temporary proof we need. And then we begin to question ourselves further. We may even question our own judgment, wondered if we have missed our best opportunity to be in a good relationship. Maybe we are simply too choosey? Maybe it really is all our fault. But of course it isn't.
When vacations and national holidays and Christmas come along, then we are reminded heavily just what being single feels like. On Valentine's day we are also reminded that we are yet again this year solitary creatures. However this year will be different. We feel it. We have our sights set one on or two potentials and who knows where things may lead. Who knows, by Christmas we could be engaged.
Married people often think the grass is greener on the other side. People in bad relationships dream of the freedom of being single. I have been told many times that I don't know how lucky I am to be single. The next time someone says that to me, I will go over and stick my finger in their eye and remind myself indeed how lucky I am that I decided to do that..all by myself.
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Monday, 24 September 2007
DATE TO MAKE FRIENDS
Dating is one of the best friend finders there is. I read recently some advice from an elder statesman who said that we should all try and make one new friend every five years. What excellent advice. When we are very young we collect friends like sweets. As we get older we lose some along the way kind of like natural wastage. We fall out and we fall in, we change and adapt and we end up with a core group of our best friends, usually quite small but reliable and close. I think it’s fair to say that most of us will never have more than a handful of extremely close friends as we grow older simply because it’s not possible to have very close relationships with so many people. Best friends require maintenance.
Where dating comes into its own is in its simplest form - introducing us to new people. We meet people on a one-to-one basis to chat and discuss and basically find out if we get on well enough to become friends. Dating often misses out on this aspect, the fact that to become lovers we should become friends too. It's not just about if we are attracted to their hair, face, breasts, legs etc. It's about how we get on, what we have in common, if we share the same belief systems, skills, laughs, humor, outlook, background and passions. If we do then this may well be the very basis for a great relationship.
If that certain X factor is missing, we often discount the whole date as if to say well they weren't good enough to date so I will discount them completely. What we are missing here is the fact that in every other way we got on. We made a new friend. Then people will say, yes but I am not looking for another friend. Well let me tell you my friend, we can all do with extra friends. Yes, okay, our closest friends are often our longest friends who we have shared everything with, but there may have been a time when we didn't know them either so who is to say. My point is that nice people are hard to find so let us not just discount people because they fell at the first hurdle.
I am not suggesting that we gather every failed date as out next new closest buddy. I am suggesting that amongst all the singles you do date, there will be one of two people who may not be your ideal match, but who could be your ideal friend. So try and keep an open mind. Maybe you can suggest that although you don't feel you would make it as a couple you would like to stay in touch and then actually do get in touch to do something. Make sure you have defined this as a fact and are clear though and don't string someone along and have them thinking there is some romance in the air.
We must try and remember that one of the best facets of any perfect match is friendship. People often say that they would like to marry their best friend. In other words, your partner should also be your best friend. What we mean but that is that the concept of "best friend" means the person we can rely on, trust in full measure, turn to when in need and talk to about everything in the world. It is a beautiful notion and one that should be kept in mind.
Really, dating is all about making friends and then loving them even more than that. It is about forming close bonds in a fairly short space of time and then building upon them. This is why a purely sex or physical relationship doesn't often hold much long terms hope. It is surprising how many good friends also become lovers too. I have read some good true stories about people who had been best friends and went on to get married.
I think these days that dating has become such a clinical and organized subject that the basic elements are in danger of being lost. To love someone you have to trust them. To trust them you need to open your heart to them very early on and take the risk included. Opening your heart means a willingness to trust. It is a willingness to make that person your friend. Trust and friendship are the building blocks of every proper relationship and therefore there are no quick paths to eternal happiness. Date and find a friend. Make friends and then fall in love.
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Dating is one of the best friend finders there is. I read recently some advice from an elder statesman who said that we should all try and make one new friend every five years. What excellent advice. When we are very young we collect friends like sweets. As we get older we lose some along the way kind of like natural wastage. We fall out and we fall in, we change and adapt and we end up with a core group of our best friends, usually quite small but reliable and close. I think it’s fair to say that most of us will never have more than a handful of extremely close friends as we grow older simply because it’s not possible to have very close relationships with so many people. Best friends require maintenance.
Where dating comes into its own is in its simplest form - introducing us to new people. We meet people on a one-to-one basis to chat and discuss and basically find out if we get on well enough to become friends. Dating often misses out on this aspect, the fact that to become lovers we should become friends too. It's not just about if we are attracted to their hair, face, breasts, legs etc. It's about how we get on, what we have in common, if we share the same belief systems, skills, laughs, humor, outlook, background and passions. If we do then this may well be the very basis for a great relationship.
If that certain X factor is missing, we often discount the whole date as if to say well they weren't good enough to date so I will discount them completely. What we are missing here is the fact that in every other way we got on. We made a new friend. Then people will say, yes but I am not looking for another friend. Well let me tell you my friend, we can all do with extra friends. Yes, okay, our closest friends are often our longest friends who we have shared everything with, but there may have been a time when we didn't know them either so who is to say. My point is that nice people are hard to find so let us not just discount people because they fell at the first hurdle.
I am not suggesting that we gather every failed date as out next new closest buddy. I am suggesting that amongst all the singles you do date, there will be one of two people who may not be your ideal match, but who could be your ideal friend. So try and keep an open mind. Maybe you can suggest that although you don't feel you would make it as a couple you would like to stay in touch and then actually do get in touch to do something. Make sure you have defined this as a fact and are clear though and don't string someone along and have them thinking there is some romance in the air.
We must try and remember that one of the best facets of any perfect match is friendship. People often say that they would like to marry their best friend. In other words, your partner should also be your best friend. What we mean but that is that the concept of "best friend" means the person we can rely on, trust in full measure, turn to when in need and talk to about everything in the world. It is a beautiful notion and one that should be kept in mind.
Really, dating is all about making friends and then loving them even more than that. It is about forming close bonds in a fairly short space of time and then building upon them. This is why a purely sex or physical relationship doesn't often hold much long terms hope. It is surprising how many good friends also become lovers too. I have read some good true stories about people who had been best friends and went on to get married.
I think these days that dating has become such a clinical and organized subject that the basic elements are in danger of being lost. To love someone you have to trust them. To trust them you need to open your heart to them very early on and take the risk included. Opening your heart means a willingness to trust. It is a willingness to make that person your friend. Trust and friendship are the building blocks of every proper relationship and therefore there are no quick paths to eternal happiness. Date and find a friend. Make friends and then fall in love.
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Sunday, 23 September 2007
FIRST FOUR WEEKS
Gosh, it doesn't get more unstable than this. You feel sick, you can't eat, you don't know what you are thinking and feeling, but you are thinking excessively. You feel happy, you feel sad, you feel unsettled, you worry, you are ecstatic. You want to panic and wish you had said no. What's happening to you? You are in your first four weeks of dating someone.
The first thing that can happen with a date is that you feel trepidation before the event. You may have had lots of dates and expect little but are pleasantly surprised. You may have been building up to the date and its gone really well and you are surprised, pleasantly. You may actually feel unhappy and irritated that a first date went well because now you have to give some thought to the situation. Initially then you need to decide if you are going to take it further or whether last night's promises and optimism has changed in the cold light of day. For almost everyone, however good or bad you will feel some trepidation, even if you are walking on the moon.
For many, the days after a first date that went really well will make you feel great. You feel desired, attractive and you realize that someone really likes you who you are attracted to. But - until you have secured a second date you will still feel like you have got it all wrong and that you are mistaken. When that second date is finalized you will again feel great and this is a real test because this time you will be analyzing each other more thoroughly and testing each other in verbal interplay and emotional content in your conversation. Your reliability and your wit will be tested as well as many other extremely subtle facets of your character. At this stage you most certainly should not have had sex!
After the second date is where panic can set in. If you really like this person you will panic and worry that you can lose them before anything has even got going. On the other hand you may like them and panic that it could all be too much too soon and wish to run without finding out. So this is where disaster can begin to intervene on a perfect future. You can quickly come across as overbearing and possessive, even though you haven't got into a relationship yet. So stop calling and stop pondering and ensure you carry on as best you can with a routine. In other words, back off and be cool. Take your time and stop panicking. If you are going to go out, then you will but don't rush it.
If, on the other hand, you are simply not sure about looming intimacy then again take your time and be cool. The pleasure in the first few weeks of dating is in its turmoil and its passion but also in savoring every moment. In a long term relationship these are days hard to repeat so take in the atmosphere of knowing someone new and enjoy the encounters as they happen. A new relationship doesn't have to lead to marriage and commitment so stop thinking too much and simply enjoy your dates as they happen.
There will be many dilemmas in the first few weeks such as your first kiss, where you should go on dates, whether you should phone, what happens if they didn't call when expected, concern things are over already. The you will move on to whether you should invite them in for coffee, what happens if you want to go to bed with them or what happens as your emotions increase. Once again it is about trying to keep the basics in perspective. Your entire day-to-day life can be affected by beginning to like someone and fall in love so the only thing that gives you any structure is your regular daily pattern. Because of this it is crucial to keep as many things regular as possible. Try and sustain your daily regime, including clubs, hobbies and trips to the gym. However one of the beautiful aspects of this initial period is the breaking of that regime to find small intense emotional moments with your new friend.
People often ask me when a date becomes a relationship and I have answered that more fully in a different article but to my own mind the first 4 weeks are crucial in creating a basic foundation on which you can both develop into a relationships. You will have progressed from first date to hopefully the nth time. If you live close by you may have stopped counting by now. I can understand that circumstances may prevent regular dating for some, but I do think that if you are wanting a serious relationship to develop, proximity is helpful. In 4 weeks of dating you should have been dating plenty of times and be getting to know the beginnings of each other.
Where dating is very very slow then there is a danger it will never actually fire the main engines for lift off so I actively encourage people to make the most of the dating opportunities presented. You see, when you really like someone, you want to be with them, you want to spend all your time with them to get to know them and understand them and learn to fall in love with them. For this to happen you have to meet very regularly to build up that level of intimacy otherwise you may be wasting your time.
The first 4 weeks are critical as they are the testing time. If you get through this initial period you have a chance of building into a relationship. In my view it is too soon for sex if you are serious but too long for just a couple of meetings. It is the perfect time frame to know whether you are fairly compatible above and beyond the initial physical attraction. A month of dating is a month of happy events and phone calls and memories. If in that period things aren't working out, then you can walk away with no harm done.
You may feel sick and you may feel unsteady, but when we all look back and try and describe what being in love is like, most of us tend to remember the first four weeks when we met and use those feelings to describe how beautifully unsettling everything truly is.
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Gosh, it doesn't get more unstable than this. You feel sick, you can't eat, you don't know what you are thinking and feeling, but you are thinking excessively. You feel happy, you feel sad, you feel unsettled, you worry, you are ecstatic. You want to panic and wish you had said no. What's happening to you? You are in your first four weeks of dating someone.
The first thing that can happen with a date is that you feel trepidation before the event. You may have had lots of dates and expect little but are pleasantly surprised. You may have been building up to the date and its gone really well and you are surprised, pleasantly. You may actually feel unhappy and irritated that a first date went well because now you have to give some thought to the situation. Initially then you need to decide if you are going to take it further or whether last night's promises and optimism has changed in the cold light of day. For almost everyone, however good or bad you will feel some trepidation, even if you are walking on the moon.
For many, the days after a first date that went really well will make you feel great. You feel desired, attractive and you realize that someone really likes you who you are attracted to. But - until you have secured a second date you will still feel like you have got it all wrong and that you are mistaken. When that second date is finalized you will again feel great and this is a real test because this time you will be analyzing each other more thoroughly and testing each other in verbal interplay and emotional content in your conversation. Your reliability and your wit will be tested as well as many other extremely subtle facets of your character. At this stage you most certainly should not have had sex!
After the second date is where panic can set in. If you really like this person you will panic and worry that you can lose them before anything has even got going. On the other hand you may like them and panic that it could all be too much too soon and wish to run without finding out. So this is where disaster can begin to intervene on a perfect future. You can quickly come across as overbearing and possessive, even though you haven't got into a relationship yet. So stop calling and stop pondering and ensure you carry on as best you can with a routine. In other words, back off and be cool. Take your time and stop panicking. If you are going to go out, then you will but don't rush it.
If, on the other hand, you are simply not sure about looming intimacy then again take your time and be cool. The pleasure in the first few weeks of dating is in its turmoil and its passion but also in savoring every moment. In a long term relationship these are days hard to repeat so take in the atmosphere of knowing someone new and enjoy the encounters as they happen. A new relationship doesn't have to lead to marriage and commitment so stop thinking too much and simply enjoy your dates as they happen.
There will be many dilemmas in the first few weeks such as your first kiss, where you should go on dates, whether you should phone, what happens if they didn't call when expected, concern things are over already. The you will move on to whether you should invite them in for coffee, what happens if you want to go to bed with them or what happens as your emotions increase. Once again it is about trying to keep the basics in perspective. Your entire day-to-day life can be affected by beginning to like someone and fall in love so the only thing that gives you any structure is your regular daily pattern. Because of this it is crucial to keep as many things regular as possible. Try and sustain your daily regime, including clubs, hobbies and trips to the gym. However one of the beautiful aspects of this initial period is the breaking of that regime to find small intense emotional moments with your new friend.
People often ask me when a date becomes a relationship and I have answered that more fully in a different article but to my own mind the first 4 weeks are crucial in creating a basic foundation on which you can both develop into a relationships. You will have progressed from first date to hopefully the nth time. If you live close by you may have stopped counting by now. I can understand that circumstances may prevent regular dating for some, but I do think that if you are wanting a serious relationship to develop, proximity is helpful. In 4 weeks of dating you should have been dating plenty of times and be getting to know the beginnings of each other.
Where dating is very very slow then there is a danger it will never actually fire the main engines for lift off so I actively encourage people to make the most of the dating opportunities presented. You see, when you really like someone, you want to be with them, you want to spend all your time with them to get to know them and understand them and learn to fall in love with them. For this to happen you have to meet very regularly to build up that level of intimacy otherwise you may be wasting your time.
The first 4 weeks are critical as they are the testing time. If you get through this initial period you have a chance of building into a relationship. In my view it is too soon for sex if you are serious but too long for just a couple of meetings. It is the perfect time frame to know whether you are fairly compatible above and beyond the initial physical attraction. A month of dating is a month of happy events and phone calls and memories. If in that period things aren't working out, then you can walk away with no harm done.
You may feel sick and you may feel unsteady, but when we all look back and try and describe what being in love is like, most of us tend to remember the first four weeks when we met and use those feelings to describe how beautifully unsettling everything truly is.
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Saturday, 22 September 2007
ONLINE DATING
Internet online dating takes patience and practice and it's not always for the faint hearted. Just because you are seated at your own computer doesn't mean that single people will come to chat with you for no reason. No even in this medium of Internet dating, you must take the initiative and actively seek to contact those you like whilst ignoring those you do not. Many tens of thousands of people worldwide enter Internet dating sites everyday of the year, some are serious, some are not. Some want marriage, some seek sex, others simply wish for companionship. When accessing online dating, it is your task not only to represent yourself in the best possible light but also to speak to those who are of interest and discourage those who are not.
When using internet dating services you must learn to take responsibility for your actions, reply to messages, send well constructed opening greetings to single people you are attracted to and get the most for your money. Yes money, because the professional dating sites are not free. That is not quite true, some Internet dating agency sites are free, but they tend not be of the same quality as a professional ecommerce Internet dating agency. No, an Internet dating agency charges for a reason. Firstly it discourages the fly-by-nights and those who seek only to surf and be curious. Secondly online dating sites are expensive to run proficiently and therefore a premium rate membership is charged to allow for premium services for communication such as onsite email, instant messaging, chat rooms, articles and assistance. In other words, you get what you pay for, and that means instant access and sophisticated means of contacting other singles.
Who are the most successful single people who date online? Well, it depends on your view of success. If you mean who are the most popular, the busiest, those with the fullest diaries, even those who go on the most dates, well that's easy. They are the people who are kind and polite to everyone, always chatting, have a good friends' list, they frequently use email and messaging, they access the chat rooms and call their voicemail to get to know single people. In other words they are busy and confident and willing to use all the dating means of communication at their disposal. If you are shy and inexperienced it doesn't matter because we are here to help you.
If you want to get the best from your dating services membership, try to present the right image, get single people to interact with you by chatting daily, and become popular online by being friendly.
These basics may help you on one of the best ways of meeting people there is: • Obvious one - complete your dating profile fully. No, not partially! Fully! And accurately! There is nothing worse for a browsing member using dating services than spending their quality time opening your dating profile only to find your dating profile is full of Ask Me statements. Okay, it's cool that you may wish to discuss everything one-to-one and disclose nothing in advance, but you have to attract someone in the first place! Our dating members want to read about you! Today! You can start being enigmatic later. So let's start by providing something to chat about --- you! Would you go into a bar with a bag over your head? Exactly. Well an incomplete dating profile is a very similar start. So ....Be informative, be complete, be thorough,be of interest.
• When creating your own Personals ads on a singles web site, add a photograph or two or even four! Single Members with photos are likely to get up to 9 times more replies than members without any photo image attached to their dating profile. Why? Because people like to know who they are dealing with, especially when viewing dating Personals, and especially when they have already displayed their photo to you. Single people feel confident with, and possible attraction to, someone who is willing to show their face. After all, it's nice to know what your future partner looks like, right?! Okay, I know we aren't all photogenic models, but believe me; any photo is far better than none at all. Browsing Dating Personals is much more fun when viewing photos too.•
Now here is good dating advice. Add a nice photo. A photo of you. A smiling photo. A smiling photo up close. A recent smiling photo up close! Make sure your photos are recent (preferably less than 6 months old) and that you are happy. If they are not fairly recent then okay if you look the same. However if you have altered and you post old photos then you may be not only fooling others but also yourself. Sometimes single people think that using an old photo when Internet dating won't matter because in the end its personality that counts. That is true, but once again its not generally about looks, its about honesty.•
When using a singles web site, don't be aggressive or rude in your Internet dating profile. Take some good dating advice. It may be your sense of humour to be sarcastic or cutting, but it doesn't always come across best in anonymous text. Biting humour in the first instance will not usually attract the desired attention, even if it's meant to be amusing. That comes once you are chatting.• You may have had a bad time with a previous partner, but making a list of specific criteria a future partner must meet usually has the effect of making people look elsewhere. Even if these available singles match! We all seek Mr. Right and Miss Right, but turning dating into a job interview for singles everywhere removes every ounce of romance and passion from the occasion. Lets have fun guys and not trade resumes! If you are searching for Mr Right, girls, then make sure you present yourself as their Miss Right. Mr. Right out there, are you listening...the same applies to you!• If you wish to use swear words on a singles web site, then save them!
The best dating advice I can give is - please don't use them here in your dating profile or conversations and emails. They are generally offensive and really do turn people off.• When Internet dating, make your dating profile truthful above all things, but emphasize your best characteristics. Admitting that you are a loner who has no friends will not win you new friends usually. But emphasizing that you are a true individual with unique genuine properties, will. •
Don't manufacture the truth as this is one of the worst things about the reputation of Internet daters and Internet dating. We pride ourselves on having very honest genuine members who are keen to date and find their perfect partner. The key thing about the truth is that it always reveals itself in the end. So, even though you may think that not being entirely accurate about perhaps a small detail isn't too important (status or age or height or weight for example), the fact is that once the truth is revealed, generally your potential Mr Right or Miss Right WILL run away. Small things shouldn't matter and often don't, but misleading someone does!•
If you really feel passionate about something say so, don't try and hide the things that are important to you. If you love partying say so, if your religion is important to you, say so. Don't suppress or hide things that are part of who you are. Stand tall and proud. Singles dating online, and people in general even, often make the error of trying to be what they think the other person wants them to be. Pretending is a fool's game and it won't work.
• Chat to as many single people as possible via online dating sites and dating services using every method we offer, but also try to be realistic about time and commitment.. We have provided you with some amazing methods to communicate with, so give them a go. Frequently. A few emails once a quarter will not probably bring you life long happiness, though there is a chance. Like all things in life - the more you put in using Internet dating services, the more successful you will be.• Do not pretend that you are willing to fly half way round the world to meet someone you have been chatting to when using online dating sites if you are not really serious. It's not fair on anyone including you. It's easy to get carried away with a lovely person seven thousand miles away, but are you really going to get out of that chair and go and meet them? If you are, you have our utmost support and respect. If you are really only looking for some one in your county or close to home then stick with that and make it clear.•
If available, use secure voicemail services to hear what single men and single women sound like. The sound of a voice is a powerful and very real experience. Perhaps try leaving someone a message. It's a good way of introducing yourself. But do plan your message in advance. Mumbling and stuttering down the phone with an unplanned message will not present a confident opening impression.• Do use the Internet dating chat rooms to gain confidence, as they are totally anonymous and full of single women and single men like you. You can chat as part of a group, and when you feel some desire and interest or you simply feel more confident, try chatting to a person privately or one-to-one. Afterwards, why not email and send a message to introduce yourself more fully. All perfect relationships have to begin somewhere.•
Make use of your very own Internet dating friends' list, its there for you to build yourself your own special community of single men and single women you like; people you get on with, and people you can build a trusting friendship. And maybe more.• Always try and reply to people's messages and reply in a reasonable amount of time, not weeks later. If you are serious about dating, you are serious about replying. They have taken the time to talk or write to you and they may be really nice. You cannot always tell from a few sentences or a grainy photo. Then again, maybe you can! But you can't always tell a great deal from a photograph so try not to appear rude. You may not be the perfect match, but they could introduce you to someone who is!• Be patient, it takes time to find someone special when using online dating sites and dating services, like anywhere else for that matter.
Using an Internet dating agency requires practise and commitment like anything else worth doing. After all, it's just that one special person that you wish to meet. Sometimes you need to chat to quite a few single people first via a good Internet dating agency. Unfortunately, that’s the world we live in. Take your time to complete your Internet dating agency profile, take your time to chat with many different people using different kinds of dating services available, and take your time to get to know someone well. Socialize and chat frequently and soon enough we truly believe you will be pleasantly surprised.• Think positive and keep thinking positive.
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Internet online dating takes patience and practice and it's not always for the faint hearted. Just because you are seated at your own computer doesn't mean that single people will come to chat with you for no reason. No even in this medium of Internet dating, you must take the initiative and actively seek to contact those you like whilst ignoring those you do not. Many tens of thousands of people worldwide enter Internet dating sites everyday of the year, some are serious, some are not. Some want marriage, some seek sex, others simply wish for companionship. When accessing online dating, it is your task not only to represent yourself in the best possible light but also to speak to those who are of interest and discourage those who are not.
When using internet dating services you must learn to take responsibility for your actions, reply to messages, send well constructed opening greetings to single people you are attracted to and get the most for your money. Yes money, because the professional dating sites are not free. That is not quite true, some Internet dating agency sites are free, but they tend not be of the same quality as a professional ecommerce Internet dating agency. No, an Internet dating agency charges for a reason. Firstly it discourages the fly-by-nights and those who seek only to surf and be curious. Secondly online dating sites are expensive to run proficiently and therefore a premium rate membership is charged to allow for premium services for communication such as onsite email, instant messaging, chat rooms, articles and assistance. In other words, you get what you pay for, and that means instant access and sophisticated means of contacting other singles.
Who are the most successful single people who date online? Well, it depends on your view of success. If you mean who are the most popular, the busiest, those with the fullest diaries, even those who go on the most dates, well that's easy. They are the people who are kind and polite to everyone, always chatting, have a good friends' list, they frequently use email and messaging, they access the chat rooms and call their voicemail to get to know single people. In other words they are busy and confident and willing to use all the dating means of communication at their disposal. If you are shy and inexperienced it doesn't matter because we are here to help you.
If you want to get the best from your dating services membership, try to present the right image, get single people to interact with you by chatting daily, and become popular online by being friendly.
These basics may help you on one of the best ways of meeting people there is: • Obvious one - complete your dating profile fully. No, not partially! Fully! And accurately! There is nothing worse for a browsing member using dating services than spending their quality time opening your dating profile only to find your dating profile is full of Ask Me statements. Okay, it's cool that you may wish to discuss everything one-to-one and disclose nothing in advance, but you have to attract someone in the first place! Our dating members want to read about you! Today! You can start being enigmatic later. So let's start by providing something to chat about --- you! Would you go into a bar with a bag over your head? Exactly. Well an incomplete dating profile is a very similar start. So ....Be informative, be complete, be thorough,be of interest.
• When creating your own Personals ads on a singles web site, add a photograph or two or even four! Single Members with photos are likely to get up to 9 times more replies than members without any photo image attached to their dating profile. Why? Because people like to know who they are dealing with, especially when viewing dating Personals, and especially when they have already displayed their photo to you. Single people feel confident with, and possible attraction to, someone who is willing to show their face. After all, it's nice to know what your future partner looks like, right?! Okay, I know we aren't all photogenic models, but believe me; any photo is far better than none at all. Browsing Dating Personals is much more fun when viewing photos too.•
Now here is good dating advice. Add a nice photo. A photo of you. A smiling photo. A smiling photo up close. A recent smiling photo up close! Make sure your photos are recent (preferably less than 6 months old) and that you are happy. If they are not fairly recent then okay if you look the same. However if you have altered and you post old photos then you may be not only fooling others but also yourself. Sometimes single people think that using an old photo when Internet dating won't matter because in the end its personality that counts. That is true, but once again its not generally about looks, its about honesty.•
When using a singles web site, don't be aggressive or rude in your Internet dating profile. Take some good dating advice. It may be your sense of humour to be sarcastic or cutting, but it doesn't always come across best in anonymous text. Biting humour in the first instance will not usually attract the desired attention, even if it's meant to be amusing. That comes once you are chatting.• You may have had a bad time with a previous partner, but making a list of specific criteria a future partner must meet usually has the effect of making people look elsewhere. Even if these available singles match! We all seek Mr. Right and Miss Right, but turning dating into a job interview for singles everywhere removes every ounce of romance and passion from the occasion. Lets have fun guys and not trade resumes! If you are searching for Mr Right, girls, then make sure you present yourself as their Miss Right. Mr. Right out there, are you listening...the same applies to you!• If you wish to use swear words on a singles web site, then save them!
The best dating advice I can give is - please don't use them here in your dating profile or conversations and emails. They are generally offensive and really do turn people off.• When Internet dating, make your dating profile truthful above all things, but emphasize your best characteristics. Admitting that you are a loner who has no friends will not win you new friends usually. But emphasizing that you are a true individual with unique genuine properties, will. •
Don't manufacture the truth as this is one of the worst things about the reputation of Internet daters and Internet dating. We pride ourselves on having very honest genuine members who are keen to date and find their perfect partner. The key thing about the truth is that it always reveals itself in the end. So, even though you may think that not being entirely accurate about perhaps a small detail isn't too important (status or age or height or weight for example), the fact is that once the truth is revealed, generally your potential Mr Right or Miss Right WILL run away. Small things shouldn't matter and often don't, but misleading someone does!•
If you really feel passionate about something say so, don't try and hide the things that are important to you. If you love partying say so, if your religion is important to you, say so. Don't suppress or hide things that are part of who you are. Stand tall and proud. Singles dating online, and people in general even, often make the error of trying to be what they think the other person wants them to be. Pretending is a fool's game and it won't work.
• Chat to as many single people as possible via online dating sites and dating services using every method we offer, but also try to be realistic about time and commitment.. We have provided you with some amazing methods to communicate with, so give them a go. Frequently. A few emails once a quarter will not probably bring you life long happiness, though there is a chance. Like all things in life - the more you put in using Internet dating services, the more successful you will be.• Do not pretend that you are willing to fly half way round the world to meet someone you have been chatting to when using online dating sites if you are not really serious. It's not fair on anyone including you. It's easy to get carried away with a lovely person seven thousand miles away, but are you really going to get out of that chair and go and meet them? If you are, you have our utmost support and respect. If you are really only looking for some one in your county or close to home then stick with that and make it clear.•
If available, use secure voicemail services to hear what single men and single women sound like. The sound of a voice is a powerful and very real experience. Perhaps try leaving someone a message. It's a good way of introducing yourself. But do plan your message in advance. Mumbling and stuttering down the phone with an unplanned message will not present a confident opening impression.• Do use the Internet dating chat rooms to gain confidence, as they are totally anonymous and full of single women and single men like you. You can chat as part of a group, and when you feel some desire and interest or you simply feel more confident, try chatting to a person privately or one-to-one. Afterwards, why not email and send a message to introduce yourself more fully. All perfect relationships have to begin somewhere.•
Make use of your very own Internet dating friends' list, its there for you to build yourself your own special community of single men and single women you like; people you get on with, and people you can build a trusting friendship. And maybe more.• Always try and reply to people's messages and reply in a reasonable amount of time, not weeks later. If you are serious about dating, you are serious about replying. They have taken the time to talk or write to you and they may be really nice. You cannot always tell from a few sentences or a grainy photo. Then again, maybe you can! But you can't always tell a great deal from a photograph so try not to appear rude. You may not be the perfect match, but they could introduce you to someone who is!• Be patient, it takes time to find someone special when using online dating sites and dating services, like anywhere else for that matter.
Using an Internet dating agency requires practise and commitment like anything else worth doing. After all, it's just that one special person that you wish to meet. Sometimes you need to chat to quite a few single people first via a good Internet dating agency. Unfortunately, that’s the world we live in. Take your time to complete your Internet dating agency profile, take your time to chat with many different people using different kinds of dating services available, and take your time to get to know someone well. Socialize and chat frequently and soon enough we truly believe you will be pleasantly surprised.• Think positive and keep thinking positive.
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Friday, 21 September 2007
DATING CHAT UP LINES
The phrase "dating approach" means walking up to single men or single women you have never met and then speaking to them to introduce yourself romantically. In other words - chat-up lines. The opening words you may utter will speak volumes and volumes and volumes. In less than 10 seconds you will either have set yourself up for life, have a definite date, or be going home alone - again. Yes it that simple, or it can be. Psychologists tell us that people make their mind up within seconds and I think most of us who are truthful will agree that we know pretty much instantly if we are attracted to someone or not.
If that is the case why is speaking important at all? Well, although we may like the look of someone, these looks are confirmed and heavily underlined by their approach to us, their words, their voice and even their accent. Therefore, by initiating communication we form judgments very quickly. Another article speaks of the attraction of confidence. Well this most certainly plays a part. The more confidence you have in your dating approach, the more likely your chat up lines, whatever you say, maybe have some effect. However, let us be honest. Making an initial approach can be nerve wracking and spine tingling for many. Dry mouth, palpitations, a sudden stutter from nowhere, a blank mind, no idea what to say. Yes it’s all part of the dating game, but it is also all part of the problem.
Many of us will have heard the theory that many attractive men and attractive women are single and never approached because the assumption is that they are so attractive they must be attached. In which case no one talks to them! This in some cases is true but more often that not, whatever our level of looks, we like chatting to new people and it is more likely that most of us lack confidence or simply the verbal dexterity off the cuff to simply talk entertainingly to strangers. Yes, that is right we believe we should entertain when we begin our opening gambit.
It is often said that single women are attracted to single men who are witty and amusing. How often in personal ads do we see the request "must have a good sense of humor". A good comedic talent will always assist in the opening approach. However most single women in a small survey I undertook agree that the regular dating approach by single men works far better than trying to be this years entertainer. It is not what you say, but how you deliver it that really matters and even more amazingly, for many, chats up lines do work.
For some single people a chat up line is very stressful, like public speaking. They come across as aggressive and foolish simply because their anxiety levels are sky high. Under such stress, they simply clam up or are unable to communicate as they can for 99% of the rest of the time. This is where practice and confidence levels can help. The more single people you speak to and the more sociable you become, the better you will be. However a word of warning - do not mix chat up lines and lots of alcohol!
Rude and crude chat up lines do not work and never will but a simple request to buy a drink for someone will get a response in 5 out of ten single people. This is probably because single people prefer the direct and open handed approach. To break the ice, one clearly needs to use the tried and tested methods and not seek the realm of leading edge comedy. Single women use chat up lines as much as single men you may be surprised to hear and thinking back, I agree. A single woman's approach may be direct and honest but a chat up line is a chat up line. I think we can agree though, that should a single woman decide to use a carefully selected chat up line, she is likely to have more success than a single man in a similar situation.
To this end it may be useful looking at the good and bad chat up lines below to give you some ideas. You may think they are all bad, but at least some are amusing.
The Best Chat Up Lines:
Can I buy you a drink?
I have lost my phone number, can I have yours?
Did it hurt when you fell from heaven ?
If I could rearrange the alphabet I would put you and I together
Do you believe in love at first sight or should I walk past again
The Worst Chat Up Lines
Get your coat, you've pulled
How do you like your eggs? Fertilized?
Do you sleep on your front? Do you mind if I do.
Is that a mirror in your pocket? Its just that I can see myself in your pants!
Are your legs hurting because you have been running through my mind all night
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The phrase "dating approach" means walking up to single men or single women you have never met and then speaking to them to introduce yourself romantically. In other words - chat-up lines. The opening words you may utter will speak volumes and volumes and volumes. In less than 10 seconds you will either have set yourself up for life, have a definite date, or be going home alone - again. Yes it that simple, or it can be. Psychologists tell us that people make their mind up within seconds and I think most of us who are truthful will agree that we know pretty much instantly if we are attracted to someone or not.
If that is the case why is speaking important at all? Well, although we may like the look of someone, these looks are confirmed and heavily underlined by their approach to us, their words, their voice and even their accent. Therefore, by initiating communication we form judgments very quickly. Another article speaks of the attraction of confidence. Well this most certainly plays a part. The more confidence you have in your dating approach, the more likely your chat up lines, whatever you say, maybe have some effect. However, let us be honest. Making an initial approach can be nerve wracking and spine tingling for many. Dry mouth, palpitations, a sudden stutter from nowhere, a blank mind, no idea what to say. Yes it’s all part of the dating game, but it is also all part of the problem.
Many of us will have heard the theory that many attractive men and attractive women are single and never approached because the assumption is that they are so attractive they must be attached. In which case no one talks to them! This in some cases is true but more often that not, whatever our level of looks, we like chatting to new people and it is more likely that most of us lack confidence or simply the verbal dexterity off the cuff to simply talk entertainingly to strangers. Yes, that is right we believe we should entertain when we begin our opening gambit.
It is often said that single women are attracted to single men who are witty and amusing. How often in personal ads do we see the request "must have a good sense of humor". A good comedic talent will always assist in the opening approach. However most single women in a small survey I undertook agree that the regular dating approach by single men works far better than trying to be this years entertainer. It is not what you say, but how you deliver it that really matters and even more amazingly, for many, chats up lines do work.
For some single people a chat up line is very stressful, like public speaking. They come across as aggressive and foolish simply because their anxiety levels are sky high. Under such stress, they simply clam up or are unable to communicate as they can for 99% of the rest of the time. This is where practice and confidence levels can help. The more single people you speak to and the more sociable you become, the better you will be. However a word of warning - do not mix chat up lines and lots of alcohol!
Rude and crude chat up lines do not work and never will but a simple request to buy a drink for someone will get a response in 5 out of ten single people. This is probably because single people prefer the direct and open handed approach. To break the ice, one clearly needs to use the tried and tested methods and not seek the realm of leading edge comedy. Single women use chat up lines as much as single men you may be surprised to hear and thinking back, I agree. A single woman's approach may be direct and honest but a chat up line is a chat up line. I think we can agree though, that should a single woman decide to use a carefully selected chat up line, she is likely to have more success than a single man in a similar situation.
To this end it may be useful looking at the good and bad chat up lines below to give you some ideas. You may think they are all bad, but at least some are amusing.
The Best Chat Up Lines:
Can I buy you a drink?
I have lost my phone number, can I have yours?
Did it hurt when you fell from heaven ?
If I could rearrange the alphabet I would put you and I together
Do you believe in love at first sight or should I walk past again
The Worst Chat Up Lines
Get your coat, you've pulled
How do you like your eggs? Fertilized?
Do you sleep on your front? Do you mind if I do.
Is that a mirror in your pocket? Its just that I can see myself in your pants!
Are your legs hurting because you have been running through my mind all night
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