WAYS TO BOOST SELF-ESTEEM AFTER A BREAK UP
No matter who initiated the break, the end of a relationship is hard on one's ego. While going through the grieving process, it's important to move on with your life. Jumping into another relationship to build your self-esteem is not really the answer to the post-break up blues and self-doubts. Try some of these other tips to help put the past behind you, and look towards your future, with more confidence and self-esteem.
Aesthetics: Whether you are a man or a woman, having a fresh start often means changing your look. You may have been in a long- term relationship and "let yourself go." Many times there is a sense of complacency in long-term relationships, and our personal style and fitness might suffer. Take an honest look at yourself and let's make some positive changes to boost your self-esteem.
• Hair and Make up: Changing and updating a hairstyle can be an important step in making you feel good about yourself after a break up. Both Men and Women can benefit from spending some time at a salon and updating their personal hairstyle. Put your trust in the stylist and allow them to suggest new looks for you. Be daring and take a leap. Changing your hair, and learning how to create fun new do's with it is a great way to start off your transformation.
Ladies, you might want to invite some friends along and make it a spa day. Relaxation and laughter with good friends is the best medicine for a broken heart and confused mind. Get a manicure or pedicure, have your make up done differently and follow it up with a night on the town. This is about the new you, emerging from your grief into your new confident self who knows she will survive.
• The Clothes Make the Man or Woman! Have you gotten comfortable in your sweatpants rut? Time to spend some dough on new threads! You don't have to spend a fortune to pick up just a few new items to make you feel fresh and renewed. Bring a friend along on a shopping day, and get yourself a new outfit for dates and casual nights with friends. Buy apparel that brings a smile to your face, bright colors and fun styles will help break you out of the blues and bring your wardrobe into the new social scene.
• Get in Shape: Whether you gained a few pounds or broke out of your previous healthy exercise routine, now is the time to reclaim the best that you can be by being fit and healthy. Join a gym, or even just set up an evening to walk with a neighbor, any kind of routine exercise will not only make you look good, but will allow your body to help make you feel better as well. Regular exercise is great for lifting depression, and seeing increases in your fitness level may encourage you to try out new sports like tennis, or even rock climbing! Decide what interests you and get your body moving!
Mental Changes: Now that the work of aesthetic changes is done, you need to focus your thoughts on the positives around you. Getting through the emotions of the break up is hard work, but working towards the future can give you hope and a purpose for your day.
• Write it Out: You've cried, and talked to your friends endlessly about the loss of your relationship. You may be tempted to further clear the air by communicating with your Ex… but don't look back. Write out your feelings in a journal, for your eyes only. This will give you the chance to honestly divest yourself of the pent up fears and frustrations that you may be afraid to confide to friends. The act of pouring your thoughts onto paper will also help you to stop perseverating on "what- ifs" and "should-of's." Once you write it out, put those thoughts away and get on with the business of happier living.
• Set Goals: Having a hard time thinking of reasons to get out of bed in the morning? Don't convince yourself that you are worthless or uninteresting. It is simply not true. Setting concrete goals can help to remind you of the things you want to accomplish and your talents and skills. Get yourself a large dry erase board and hang it in your kitchen, hallway, or bedroom. Create three columns labeled "Goals", "Steps," and "Deadlines." Have you always wanted to travel to Italy? Find out what it would take to make that dream come true. Contact a travel agent and perhaps a friend who may like to go along. Figure out what it would take financially and logistically, and set you a reasonable goal of 6 months, or even 2 years! The deadline doesn't matter as long as you are reminded of your dream and are taking steps to make it happen. Maybe you would like to learn how to cook, dance, or even just spend more time with friends. Make these into goals and start pursuing your dreams. Taking classes or even socializing with friends can help rebuild ones self-esteem and provide you with much needed opportunities to meet new people, and get to know yourself!
The Best Revenge is to Live Well: No matter what you choose to do, choose to do something. Don't let the heartache of a lost relationship continue to affect you by making you believe you are undesirable or uninteresting. Get up and get out. Rebuild your self-esteem by following your own desires and interests and spend some much-deserved time on yourself. Whether you think you would most benefit from a massage or a gym membership, set your goals, and look toward your future as the self confident, and appealing person you are.
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Friday, 31 October 2008
Thursday, 30 October 2008
THREE REASONS TO BREAK UP WITH YOUR BOYFRIEND
YOU ARE AFTER TWO VERY DIFFERENT THINGS
A relationship cannot survive if the two parties involved are not after the same things. If you want to be in a serious committed relationship, but your boyfriend is thinking of it as a more casual type of situation, then you are setting yourself up for disappointment. Don’t put yourself in the perfect position to get hurt. If you are looking for a potential husband, then you should be dating a man who is looking to settle down. If you are focused on your career right now and not on fostering a long-term romance, then you shouldn’t be with a man who is focused on taking your relationship to the next level of commitment. It doesn’t make any sense to pair yourself up with a guy who has different intentions than you do. After you have been dating someone exclusively for a while, you should have a talk about where your relationship is headed and where both of you want to see it going. The reason that you should wait a little while, like a couple of months, before you have the “where is this relationship headed” talk is because you need to give yourself time to figure out your feelings, and so does your boyfriend. Until the two of you have established yourselves as a couple, it is too soon to make a judgment about your desires for the future. Remember, just because you decide that you think that this relationship is worth taking to the next level, that doesn’t mean that the relationship is certainly going to last – it just means that you are both willing to find out. If you have the talk and you find out that he is not interested in making things more serious and you are, then you will be able to spare yourself of further hurt feelings by ending the relationship. If you don’t talk about what the two of you want, then you are going to wind up putting your heart on your sleeve for nothing. Even if the talk doesn’t go the way you wished it would have, it is still better to find out what your boyfriend’s intentions are so that you don’t waste your time in a relationship with someone who is not on the same page as you.
ABUSE
You should never stay in a relationship with a man who is physically or emotionally abusive towards you. Physical abuse is not something that you should forgive under any circumstances – you are worth far more than a relationship that involves domestic violence. Your boyfriend may apologize until he is red in the face, but you have to stay strong and put yourself first. If he hit you once, then you have absolutely no reason to believe him when he tells you that it will never happen again, and you should not stick around to find out. Second chances are not something that should be afforded to everyone, and violent situations are a prime example of the unforgivable when it comes to a romantic relationship. You deserve better – you deserve someone who will respect you and your safety – not someone who endangers you. If you are worried that your boyfriend will become physically abusive when you break it off, then do it in a well lit public place, and be prepared to call the police. If he threatens you, you should immediately call the authorities and get a restraining order of protection against him so that your safety is not compromised. Emotional abuse can hurt just as bad as the physical kind. If your boyfriend is constantly berating you and putting you down, you should break up with him right away. If he tries to control your life by keeping tabs on your every move and monitoring your interactions with family and friends, then you need to get out of the relationship. You are in the boss of you, no matter what. Your boyfriend has no right whatsoever to dictate your existence and you need to respect yourself enough to leave a man who tries to control and hurt you.
LACK OF TRUST
If your relationship lacks trust, then you are better off without the relationship. Honesty is the most important policy for a happy couple. It is very hard to get over deception. If you are suspicious that your boyfriend has not been faithful to you, then how are you going to enjoy your time together? First off, figure out why you don’t trust your boyfriend. If it is because you have had boyfriends cheat on you in the past, then you might be behaving unfairly. You can not transfer your mistrust of one man to another. You have to work on your ability to trust. If, on the other hand, you have caught your boyfriend in lies or he has been exhibiting signs of infidelity, or if he has cheated in the past and you forgave him but suspect he is up to his old tricks again, then you should break up with him. Trying to love someone that you do not trust will make you become a jealous and insecure person, and that is not who you want to be.
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YOU ARE AFTER TWO VERY DIFFERENT THINGS
A relationship cannot survive if the two parties involved are not after the same things. If you want to be in a serious committed relationship, but your boyfriend is thinking of it as a more casual type of situation, then you are setting yourself up for disappointment. Don’t put yourself in the perfect position to get hurt. If you are looking for a potential husband, then you should be dating a man who is looking to settle down. If you are focused on your career right now and not on fostering a long-term romance, then you shouldn’t be with a man who is focused on taking your relationship to the next level of commitment. It doesn’t make any sense to pair yourself up with a guy who has different intentions than you do. After you have been dating someone exclusively for a while, you should have a talk about where your relationship is headed and where both of you want to see it going. The reason that you should wait a little while, like a couple of months, before you have the “where is this relationship headed” talk is because you need to give yourself time to figure out your feelings, and so does your boyfriend. Until the two of you have established yourselves as a couple, it is too soon to make a judgment about your desires for the future. Remember, just because you decide that you think that this relationship is worth taking to the next level, that doesn’t mean that the relationship is certainly going to last – it just means that you are both willing to find out. If you have the talk and you find out that he is not interested in making things more serious and you are, then you will be able to spare yourself of further hurt feelings by ending the relationship. If you don’t talk about what the two of you want, then you are going to wind up putting your heart on your sleeve for nothing. Even if the talk doesn’t go the way you wished it would have, it is still better to find out what your boyfriend’s intentions are so that you don’t waste your time in a relationship with someone who is not on the same page as you.
ABUSE
You should never stay in a relationship with a man who is physically or emotionally abusive towards you. Physical abuse is not something that you should forgive under any circumstances – you are worth far more than a relationship that involves domestic violence. Your boyfriend may apologize until he is red in the face, but you have to stay strong and put yourself first. If he hit you once, then you have absolutely no reason to believe him when he tells you that it will never happen again, and you should not stick around to find out. Second chances are not something that should be afforded to everyone, and violent situations are a prime example of the unforgivable when it comes to a romantic relationship. You deserve better – you deserve someone who will respect you and your safety – not someone who endangers you. If you are worried that your boyfriend will become physically abusive when you break it off, then do it in a well lit public place, and be prepared to call the police. If he threatens you, you should immediately call the authorities and get a restraining order of protection against him so that your safety is not compromised. Emotional abuse can hurt just as bad as the physical kind. If your boyfriend is constantly berating you and putting you down, you should break up with him right away. If he tries to control your life by keeping tabs on your every move and monitoring your interactions with family and friends, then you need to get out of the relationship. You are in the boss of you, no matter what. Your boyfriend has no right whatsoever to dictate your existence and you need to respect yourself enough to leave a man who tries to control and hurt you.
LACK OF TRUST
If your relationship lacks trust, then you are better off without the relationship. Honesty is the most important policy for a happy couple. It is very hard to get over deception. If you are suspicious that your boyfriend has not been faithful to you, then how are you going to enjoy your time together? First off, figure out why you don’t trust your boyfriend. If it is because you have had boyfriends cheat on you in the past, then you might be behaving unfairly. You can not transfer your mistrust of one man to another. You have to work on your ability to trust. If, on the other hand, you have caught your boyfriend in lies or he has been exhibiting signs of infidelity, or if he has cheated in the past and you forgave him but suspect he is up to his old tricks again, then you should break up with him. Trying to love someone that you do not trust will make you become a jealous and insecure person, and that is not who you want to be.
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Wednesday, 29 October 2008
TALKING ABOUT COMMITMENT
No one can deny that romantic relationships are complex, but most of the time we (particularly men) try not to analyze and dissect them. Open communication sounds great on paper, but in practice we tend not to encourage too many serious discussions with our romantic partners. Dating is supposed to be about the dinners and the dancing and the lighthearted moments, not necessarily awkward conversations about commitments, goals and lifetime plans. But at some point in a promising relationship, both partners must delineate where they see their relationship heading and what they are willing to do in order to get it there.
Conversations about commitment should be taken seriously, but they don't have to be deadly serious. The trick is to have the conversation when it feels like a natural progression of the relationship. There is nothing worse than one partner assuming too many facts not in evidence. It's not uncommon for one partner to develop a stronger need for commitment than the other. If a conversation about commitment occurs too soon or with a partner who is not on the same wavelength, the results can be very painful. It pays to hold off on any commitment discussion until both partners have already demonstrated a sense of unspoken commitment.
It's not wrong for one partner to seek a more committed relationship than the other seems willing to pursue, but it IS wrong to seek a commitment through intimidation or sheer force of will. If the relationship itself remains strong and healthy, eventually both partners should come to a meeting of the minds regarding commitment. If no such meeting occurs, then perhaps the relationship does not have the proper foundation for future commitment. No amount of conversation can change this basic flaw in a casual relationship.
Once it becomes obvious that both partners are ready to take their relationship to a deeper level, the time for an actual conversation has come. Most professional counselors emphasize the concept of 'open communication', but they often leave out one important consideration - truly open communication is extremely difficult. In order to have a constructive conversation, try to be in a place where you both feel completely comfortable and protected. If you feel like being the initiator of the conversation about commitment, take a few deep breaths and collect your thoughts. This conversation is going to be awkward and scary and exhiliarating and all those other emotions connected with any serious talk with a potential life mate. You may feel like you're taking a tremendous risk, simply because you ARE taking a risk. This wonderful, funny, exciting casual dating partner could indeed turn around and walk straight out the door. You have every right to be nervous, but you also have the right to benefit from a committed, deeper relationship.
If everything seems to be going well with your conversation, allow it to ebb and flow without definitive answers. You want your partner to open up and share thoughts and plans he or she might feel are private. The best thing one can hope for is that the other partner has also been considering this conversation and is willing to listen with an open heart. Once you've defined where you'd like to see this relationship go- monogamous dating, engagement, marriage- then you've said all you can really say. It's up to your partner to receive and process this information before giving you a thoughtful response. This is a very delicate time in any relationship, because either the feelings are going to be reciprocated or the other party will pull away emotionally.
Once the subject of commitment has been broached, you should continue to work on the relationship even if your partner hasn't given you a response. Some couples fear that once a serious issue has arisen in their relationship, the overall partnership will no longer be fun or lighthearted.
You can ask your partner to join you in a committed relationship on Wednesday and still go see the ballgame on Saturday or watch a good movie on Sunday. Certainly a relationship may have some uncomfortable moments following a deep conversation, but it should still be fulfilling to both partners. Committed couples will often discover that their lives become a little more complicated as the relationship grows. Some people find it difficult to make decisions based on mutual needs, while others may have problems with fidelity in general. Having the conversation about commitment is only the first step towards a healthy monogamous lifestyle. Staying true to those promises requires constant vigilance and reinforcement. Demonstrate to your partner the benefits of always having someone in his or her corner. Showing your partner the payoff for a committed relationship should make his or her decision much easier.
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No one can deny that romantic relationships are complex, but most of the time we (particularly men) try not to analyze and dissect them. Open communication sounds great on paper, but in practice we tend not to encourage too many serious discussions with our romantic partners. Dating is supposed to be about the dinners and the dancing and the lighthearted moments, not necessarily awkward conversations about commitments, goals and lifetime plans. But at some point in a promising relationship, both partners must delineate where they see their relationship heading and what they are willing to do in order to get it there.
Conversations about commitment should be taken seriously, but they don't have to be deadly serious. The trick is to have the conversation when it feels like a natural progression of the relationship. There is nothing worse than one partner assuming too many facts not in evidence. It's not uncommon for one partner to develop a stronger need for commitment than the other. If a conversation about commitment occurs too soon or with a partner who is not on the same wavelength, the results can be very painful. It pays to hold off on any commitment discussion until both partners have already demonstrated a sense of unspoken commitment.
It's not wrong for one partner to seek a more committed relationship than the other seems willing to pursue, but it IS wrong to seek a commitment through intimidation or sheer force of will. If the relationship itself remains strong and healthy, eventually both partners should come to a meeting of the minds regarding commitment. If no such meeting occurs, then perhaps the relationship does not have the proper foundation for future commitment. No amount of conversation can change this basic flaw in a casual relationship.
Once it becomes obvious that both partners are ready to take their relationship to a deeper level, the time for an actual conversation has come. Most professional counselors emphasize the concept of 'open communication', but they often leave out one important consideration - truly open communication is extremely difficult. In order to have a constructive conversation, try to be in a place where you both feel completely comfortable and protected. If you feel like being the initiator of the conversation about commitment, take a few deep breaths and collect your thoughts. This conversation is going to be awkward and scary and exhiliarating and all those other emotions connected with any serious talk with a potential life mate. You may feel like you're taking a tremendous risk, simply because you ARE taking a risk. This wonderful, funny, exciting casual dating partner could indeed turn around and walk straight out the door. You have every right to be nervous, but you also have the right to benefit from a committed, deeper relationship.
If everything seems to be going well with your conversation, allow it to ebb and flow without definitive answers. You want your partner to open up and share thoughts and plans he or she might feel are private. The best thing one can hope for is that the other partner has also been considering this conversation and is willing to listen with an open heart. Once you've defined where you'd like to see this relationship go- monogamous dating, engagement, marriage- then you've said all you can really say. It's up to your partner to receive and process this information before giving you a thoughtful response. This is a very delicate time in any relationship, because either the feelings are going to be reciprocated or the other party will pull away emotionally.
Once the subject of commitment has been broached, you should continue to work on the relationship even if your partner hasn't given you a response. Some couples fear that once a serious issue has arisen in their relationship, the overall partnership will no longer be fun or lighthearted.
You can ask your partner to join you in a committed relationship on Wednesday and still go see the ballgame on Saturday or watch a good movie on Sunday. Certainly a relationship may have some uncomfortable moments following a deep conversation, but it should still be fulfilling to both partners. Committed couples will often discover that their lives become a little more complicated as the relationship grows. Some people find it difficult to make decisions based on mutual needs, while others may have problems with fidelity in general. Having the conversation about commitment is only the first step towards a healthy monogamous lifestyle. Staying true to those promises requires constant vigilance and reinforcement. Demonstrate to your partner the benefits of always having someone in his or her corner. Showing your partner the payoff for a committed relationship should make his or her decision much easier.
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Tuesday, 28 October 2008
WHO SHOULD YOU DATE
When looking for a someone to date, use discretion and common sense. Sometimes it’s not prudent to date the most attractive or available person. Instead, take your time, check your options, and choose appropriately.
1. Look for someone who’s stable. Indicators of stability may include how long the person has held a job, where he or she works, the type of work, and income level. A person who hops from one job to the next or hasn’t much ambition may be difficult to depend on for financial needs. Even if you plan to split costs in the event of marriage, you want to know your future spouse will be able to provide for you and any children that might come along. Drinking or drug habits might further interfere with the person’s ability to hold a job or remain committed to the relationship.
2. Choose a respectful partner. Respect is a cornerstone to any healthy relationship, and should be practiced by both persons. Verbal respect is evidenced through appropriate language and tone as well as restraint when angry. For example, your partner should not resort to name-calling, excessive criticism, or constant blaming. The person can display behavioral respect by keeping promises and showing up on time. Maintaining proper boundaries is a reputable way of showing respect, as well.
3. The person should be reliable. Does she arrive on time? Are commitments maintained? Can he be counted on in a pinch? Does she do what she says she will, and when? It’s no fun to continually be disappointed by someone who doesn’t keep his word or follow through on promises. Most of us want a partner who sticks to a schedule or keeps his or her word.
4. The importance of trust. Another building block to a solid relationship, trust helps to foster commitment and longevity between two people. If you believe your partner is dedicated to you and the integrity of your union, and if you behave the same way, the two of you should be able to build a deeply satisfying and lasting relationship. Lies, half-truths, and double-dealing are sure ways to break down any hope of trust, which then will require careful rebuilding if the relationship can be salvaged at all.
5. Select a caring partner. Unless you don’t care for affectionate displays of words or embraces, you may want to seek someone who is not afraid to show emotion and attention as your relationship matures. This might take the form of verbal endearments, physical gestures, or quality time set aside to nurture the relationship. Someone who does none of these things may become a disappointment partner over time, and the relationship might fizzle.
Characteristics like these are important to many people looking for successful relationships. Of course, you may want to make your own list of things to look for in a long-term dating partner. If you settle for spontaneity, the relationship may be exciting, but you can’t be sure how things will go or how long they will last.
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When looking for a someone to date, use discretion and common sense. Sometimes it’s not prudent to date the most attractive or available person. Instead, take your time, check your options, and choose appropriately.
1. Look for someone who’s stable. Indicators of stability may include how long the person has held a job, where he or she works, the type of work, and income level. A person who hops from one job to the next or hasn’t much ambition may be difficult to depend on for financial needs. Even if you plan to split costs in the event of marriage, you want to know your future spouse will be able to provide for you and any children that might come along. Drinking or drug habits might further interfere with the person’s ability to hold a job or remain committed to the relationship.
2. Choose a respectful partner. Respect is a cornerstone to any healthy relationship, and should be practiced by both persons. Verbal respect is evidenced through appropriate language and tone as well as restraint when angry. For example, your partner should not resort to name-calling, excessive criticism, or constant blaming. The person can display behavioral respect by keeping promises and showing up on time. Maintaining proper boundaries is a reputable way of showing respect, as well.
3. The person should be reliable. Does she arrive on time? Are commitments maintained? Can he be counted on in a pinch? Does she do what she says she will, and when? It’s no fun to continually be disappointed by someone who doesn’t keep his word or follow through on promises. Most of us want a partner who sticks to a schedule or keeps his or her word.
4. The importance of trust. Another building block to a solid relationship, trust helps to foster commitment and longevity between two people. If you believe your partner is dedicated to you and the integrity of your union, and if you behave the same way, the two of you should be able to build a deeply satisfying and lasting relationship. Lies, half-truths, and double-dealing are sure ways to break down any hope of trust, which then will require careful rebuilding if the relationship can be salvaged at all.
5. Select a caring partner. Unless you don’t care for affectionate displays of words or embraces, you may want to seek someone who is not afraid to show emotion and attention as your relationship matures. This might take the form of verbal endearments, physical gestures, or quality time set aside to nurture the relationship. Someone who does none of these things may become a disappointment partner over time, and the relationship might fizzle.
Characteristics like these are important to many people looking for successful relationships. Of course, you may want to make your own list of things to look for in a long-term dating partner. If you settle for spontaneity, the relationship may be exciting, but you can’t be sure how things will go or how long they will last.
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Monday, 27 October 2008
LEARNING FROM A BREAK UP
Breakups are a learning opportunity. If you take the time to examine the reasons for your breakup, then you may be able to avoid letting history repeat itself in your dating life. There are two sides to every coin – personal growth can be the flip side to your sadness over the loss of a relationship. What was the cause of your breakup?
If you cheated on your mate, then you might be feeling very guilty and untrustworthy. You can learn from this experience that you have to work on being more honest. If you cheated, you probably were not happy in the relationship to begin with. However, you did the wrong thing by being unfaithful rather than honest. You should have ended the relationship, not strayed from it. Next time you are in a relationship, make sure that you really want to be there. It is not fair to the person that you are with for you to be unfaithful. If anyone has ever cheated on you, you know how painful it feels. Rather than dwelling on your indiscretion, forgive yourself, and move forward with the conviction that you will not do it again.
If your mate was cheating on you, and that was the cause of your breakup, there’s still an opportunity for personal growth. Understandably, you feel very hurt and betrayed. However, this is your chance to be strong and independent. You can get through this, and when you do, you will feel incredibly empowered and proud of yourself for your strength. Breaking up with your unfaithful significant other was the right move; you stood up for yourself, and you made it clear that you were not someone who is to be taken advantage of.
If your relationship ended because you wanted to take your relationship to the next level, and your mate did not want to get too serious, then you will learn to pair yourself up with a person who has similar goals for the future. Get in a relationship with someone who is looking to settle down, if that is what you are looking to do. If you were the one who did not want to get too serious, then you should be looking for someone who is also looking for a casual relationship. Leading people on is not right, and it can only lead to hurt feelings. Be honest with yourself and with the people that you date in the future.
Perhaps your mate broke up with you because you could not control your anger. You yelled too much, and you were constantly putting your significant other down. If you were not treating your mate right, then they were right to leave. You have to learn to control yourself and to express your feelings in a healthier way. This is your opportunity to change your poor behavior so that your future relationships will not suffer in the same way. You’re not a bad person; you just made some bad choices. If you have severe anger management problems, you should seek professional help.
If you’re on the other end of the abusive relationship, then you have to learn not to allow yourself to be taken advantage of and used as a human punching bag. You deserve to be treated with care and respect, and you should accept nothing less in your future relationships. Do not compromise your happiness for someone who is not treating you properly. If you have low self esteem, you have to work on feeling better about yourself before you will be ready to share your life with another person again.
If the relationship ended because you simply did not feel that it had a future, then you have to ask yourself why it is that you did not see a future between the two of you. Do you have unrealistic expectations? Or is it simply that the two of you do not want the same things out of life, or that you have grown apart over the course of your relationship? If you have established a pattern off breaking off relationships when they become too serious, then you need to determine whether not that is just a fear of commitment on your half. On the other hand, if you truly believe that your ex’s goals were too different from your own for your relationship’s future to thrive, then you should be proud of yourself for doing the right thing. If there is no future, then you should not be wasting your time, and breaking up with your mate will give you the opportunity to seek out someone whose goals are similar to your own. It is natural to feel sadness and loss after you break up with someone that you have had a romantic relationship with, but in order to get over it, you have to look for the silver lining.
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Breakups are a learning opportunity. If you take the time to examine the reasons for your breakup, then you may be able to avoid letting history repeat itself in your dating life. There are two sides to every coin – personal growth can be the flip side to your sadness over the loss of a relationship. What was the cause of your breakup?
If you cheated on your mate, then you might be feeling very guilty and untrustworthy. You can learn from this experience that you have to work on being more honest. If you cheated, you probably were not happy in the relationship to begin with. However, you did the wrong thing by being unfaithful rather than honest. You should have ended the relationship, not strayed from it. Next time you are in a relationship, make sure that you really want to be there. It is not fair to the person that you are with for you to be unfaithful. If anyone has ever cheated on you, you know how painful it feels. Rather than dwelling on your indiscretion, forgive yourself, and move forward with the conviction that you will not do it again.
If your mate was cheating on you, and that was the cause of your breakup, there’s still an opportunity for personal growth. Understandably, you feel very hurt and betrayed. However, this is your chance to be strong and independent. You can get through this, and when you do, you will feel incredibly empowered and proud of yourself for your strength. Breaking up with your unfaithful significant other was the right move; you stood up for yourself, and you made it clear that you were not someone who is to be taken advantage of.
If your relationship ended because you wanted to take your relationship to the next level, and your mate did not want to get too serious, then you will learn to pair yourself up with a person who has similar goals for the future. Get in a relationship with someone who is looking to settle down, if that is what you are looking to do. If you were the one who did not want to get too serious, then you should be looking for someone who is also looking for a casual relationship. Leading people on is not right, and it can only lead to hurt feelings. Be honest with yourself and with the people that you date in the future.
Perhaps your mate broke up with you because you could not control your anger. You yelled too much, and you were constantly putting your significant other down. If you were not treating your mate right, then they were right to leave. You have to learn to control yourself and to express your feelings in a healthier way. This is your opportunity to change your poor behavior so that your future relationships will not suffer in the same way. You’re not a bad person; you just made some bad choices. If you have severe anger management problems, you should seek professional help.
If you’re on the other end of the abusive relationship, then you have to learn not to allow yourself to be taken advantage of and used as a human punching bag. You deserve to be treated with care and respect, and you should accept nothing less in your future relationships. Do not compromise your happiness for someone who is not treating you properly. If you have low self esteem, you have to work on feeling better about yourself before you will be ready to share your life with another person again.
If the relationship ended because you simply did not feel that it had a future, then you have to ask yourself why it is that you did not see a future between the two of you. Do you have unrealistic expectations? Or is it simply that the two of you do not want the same things out of life, or that you have grown apart over the course of your relationship? If you have established a pattern off breaking off relationships when they become too serious, then you need to determine whether not that is just a fear of commitment on your half. On the other hand, if you truly believe that your ex’s goals were too different from your own for your relationship’s future to thrive, then you should be proud of yourself for doing the right thing. If there is no future, then you should not be wasting your time, and breaking up with your mate will give you the opportunity to seek out someone whose goals are similar to your own. It is natural to feel sadness and loss after you break up with someone that you have had a romantic relationship with, but in order to get over it, you have to look for the silver lining.
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Saturday, 25 October 2008
FOUR REASONS TO BREAK UP WITH YOUR GIRLFRIEND
YOU ARE LEADING HER ON
If you are with a woman who you know is falling for you, but you are aware that you are personally not falling in love with her, then you owe it to this woman to spare her feelings and end the relationship. Women sometimes have the tendency to let themselves become attached to a man that is not attached to them. If you do not see a future with your girlfriend, then don’t have a present with her. You can’t keep a lady around just because you can stand her. You can’t stay in a relationship out of convenience. You should never continue a romance that you are not invested in just for the physical rewards. If you are not intending to take this relationship to the next level, and you know that the girl that you are with is already picking out china patterns, then you have to do the right thing: break it off. If you care about her at all, then you owe it to her not to lead her on. The only reason to continue a relationship is because you believe that there is a future in it. You can date and you can have flings with women with no intention of building a relationship, but you have to be honest with the women that you are with so that they do not end up feeling deceived and manipulated.
SHE CAN’T BE TRUSTED
If your girlfriend has been unfaithful to you, and you are unable to trust her, then you should break up with her. This is not to say that there are no circumstances in which cheating should be forgiven, but you have to evaluate that on an individual basis. First of all, do you think that she is truly remorseful and will not do it again, or do you think that she is just sorry that she got caught? You have to decide if you will be able to have faith in your relationship anymore. If you are not able to trust your girlfriend, then you need to break up with her. You will become a jealous person if you stay in a relationship with someone that you do not believe in. You should be with a woman who is mature enough to be honest with you. If your girlfriend felt she needed to stray from the relationship, then you should wonder why. Have you been unfaithful to her? Do the two of you spend as much time together as you did when you first started the relationship? She might have been looking for someone to talk to when you were emotionally unavailable, and what started off as innocent flirtation led to infidelity. People do make mistakes, but if the mistake is going to cause you to be insecure and paranoid in your relationship, then you should break it off.
YOUR LIFE HAS CHANGED FOR THE WORSE
Relationships can change your life, but the goal is for your life to be changed for the better, not the worse. If you feel like you are no longer a happy and confident person when you are with your girlfriend, then you are in an unhealthy relationship. Having a girlfriend is not worth sacrificing your happiness. Sometimes if a guy who is very inexperienced with women gets a girlfriend, he wants to stay in the relationship even if the woman is a witch to him. If you are a man who has had a hard time playing the dating game, you might have resigned yourself to the idea that you have to settle for whoever will be with you. Wrong! You are better off alone than with someone who does not treat you with care and respect. It is unfair to you to settle for someone who does not value you. You deserve to be with someone who shows you the same love and kindness as you show them. If your girlfriend embarrasses you in front of your friends by demeaning you or if she is constantly pointing out your flaws and imperfections, then you owe it to yourself to break up with her and find someone who is deserving of your love.
YOUR GUILTY CONSCIENCE
Sometimes a man will stay with a woman because he feels that it will destroy her if he ends the relationship. If you care about a woman, but you are no longer in love with her, then it is in both of your best interests in the long run to end the relationship. Your girlfriend does not want to be in a relationship with someone who cares about her on a purely platonic level. She may be very hurt and saddened to see your relationship come to a close, but if you are not invested in this relationship, it is not going to survive, and the longer that you wait to end it, the worse things will become. You can feel bad that you are breaking her heart, but you should not feel guilty for being honest about your feelings.
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YOU ARE LEADING HER ON
If you are with a woman who you know is falling for you, but you are aware that you are personally not falling in love with her, then you owe it to this woman to spare her feelings and end the relationship. Women sometimes have the tendency to let themselves become attached to a man that is not attached to them. If you do not see a future with your girlfriend, then don’t have a present with her. You can’t keep a lady around just because you can stand her. You can’t stay in a relationship out of convenience. You should never continue a romance that you are not invested in just for the physical rewards. If you are not intending to take this relationship to the next level, and you know that the girl that you are with is already picking out china patterns, then you have to do the right thing: break it off. If you care about her at all, then you owe it to her not to lead her on. The only reason to continue a relationship is because you believe that there is a future in it. You can date and you can have flings with women with no intention of building a relationship, but you have to be honest with the women that you are with so that they do not end up feeling deceived and manipulated.
SHE CAN’T BE TRUSTED
If your girlfriend has been unfaithful to you, and you are unable to trust her, then you should break up with her. This is not to say that there are no circumstances in which cheating should be forgiven, but you have to evaluate that on an individual basis. First of all, do you think that she is truly remorseful and will not do it again, or do you think that she is just sorry that she got caught? You have to decide if you will be able to have faith in your relationship anymore. If you are not able to trust your girlfriend, then you need to break up with her. You will become a jealous person if you stay in a relationship with someone that you do not believe in. You should be with a woman who is mature enough to be honest with you. If your girlfriend felt she needed to stray from the relationship, then you should wonder why. Have you been unfaithful to her? Do the two of you spend as much time together as you did when you first started the relationship? She might have been looking for someone to talk to when you were emotionally unavailable, and what started off as innocent flirtation led to infidelity. People do make mistakes, but if the mistake is going to cause you to be insecure and paranoid in your relationship, then you should break it off.
YOUR LIFE HAS CHANGED FOR THE WORSE
Relationships can change your life, but the goal is for your life to be changed for the better, not the worse. If you feel like you are no longer a happy and confident person when you are with your girlfriend, then you are in an unhealthy relationship. Having a girlfriend is not worth sacrificing your happiness. Sometimes if a guy who is very inexperienced with women gets a girlfriend, he wants to stay in the relationship even if the woman is a witch to him. If you are a man who has had a hard time playing the dating game, you might have resigned yourself to the idea that you have to settle for whoever will be with you. Wrong! You are better off alone than with someone who does not treat you with care and respect. It is unfair to you to settle for someone who does not value you. You deserve to be with someone who shows you the same love and kindness as you show them. If your girlfriend embarrasses you in front of your friends by demeaning you or if she is constantly pointing out your flaws and imperfections, then you owe it to yourself to break up with her and find someone who is deserving of your love.
YOUR GUILTY CONSCIENCE
Sometimes a man will stay with a woman because he feels that it will destroy her if he ends the relationship. If you care about a woman, but you are no longer in love with her, then it is in both of your best interests in the long run to end the relationship. Your girlfriend does not want to be in a relationship with someone who cares about her on a purely platonic level. She may be very hurt and saddened to see your relationship come to a close, but if you are not invested in this relationship, it is not going to survive, and the longer that you wait to end it, the worse things will become. You can feel bad that you are breaking her heart, but you should not feel guilty for being honest about your feelings.
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Thursday, 23 October 2008
DATING – WHAT TO SAY, WHAT NOT TO SAY
Making conversation on a date can be a challenge. Whether you’re on a first date or a third, it is important to make a good impression and chatting is an opportunity to learn about your date. Learn what topics are great date material and which conversation stoppers should be left unspoken.
Great Date Conversations
1. Play off of a common passion: If you’ve previously discovered your date shares an interest with you – a sport, hobby, pets, a mutual friend – use it as a discussion point.
2. Show an interest in your date: Ask your date about himself: his job, where he went to school, how he spends his free time. Ask simple questions and then follow up as you learn interesting things about him.
3. Discuss local entertainment: Talk about local clubs, restaurants and other places you have enjoyed visiting or that you have an interest in. A discussion of a new club everyone is talking about may lead to a date at the club.
4. Compliment your date: A sincere compliment to your date is one way to warm up the evening. Tell her she looks really fantastic, you like the perfume she is wearing or that she makes everything you do fun. Don’t overdo it, but a nice compliment is a great way to let your date know you like her.
5. Share things that interest you: People are generally most interesting when they are speaking about things that excite them. Share the things that interest you with your date. If you recently took a scuba diving trip where you saw exotic fish, this is going to be interesting to most people. Do be careful not to offer a monologue or get stuck on a topic, however.
Conversation Don’ts
1. Don’t get serious too quickly: Early dates are not the time to bring up weighty relationship issues. Don’t discuss marriage on a first, second or third date. It might be appropriate conversation by a fifteenth date.
2. Don’t discuss exes: A date is not the time to bring up a past relationship. Talking about an ex on a date indicates an unwillingness to move forward into new relationships.
3. Don’t mention your biological clock: Regardless of how much you long for children, do not mention this desire on an early date. Discussing kids too soon is a surefire way to never see your date again.
4. Don’t interrogate your date: While it is friendly to ask your date questions, do not quiz her. A date should not be a barrage of intense questions; it should be a relaxed and pleasant give and take.
5. Don’t lie: Do not tell your date you are something you are not; the truth will eventually come out and an early lie can derail any chance the relationship may have had.
Whatever you talk to your date about, make sure you listen to your date at least as much as you talk. Treat your date with respect, do not interrupt when someone else is speaking, and be generally courteous to everyone around you
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Making conversation on a date can be a challenge. Whether you’re on a first date or a third, it is important to make a good impression and chatting is an opportunity to learn about your date. Learn what topics are great date material and which conversation stoppers should be left unspoken.
Great Date Conversations
1. Play off of a common passion: If you’ve previously discovered your date shares an interest with you – a sport, hobby, pets, a mutual friend – use it as a discussion point.
2. Show an interest in your date: Ask your date about himself: his job, where he went to school, how he spends his free time. Ask simple questions and then follow up as you learn interesting things about him.
3. Discuss local entertainment: Talk about local clubs, restaurants and other places you have enjoyed visiting or that you have an interest in. A discussion of a new club everyone is talking about may lead to a date at the club.
4. Compliment your date: A sincere compliment to your date is one way to warm up the evening. Tell her she looks really fantastic, you like the perfume she is wearing or that she makes everything you do fun. Don’t overdo it, but a nice compliment is a great way to let your date know you like her.
5. Share things that interest you: People are generally most interesting when they are speaking about things that excite them. Share the things that interest you with your date. If you recently took a scuba diving trip where you saw exotic fish, this is going to be interesting to most people. Do be careful not to offer a monologue or get stuck on a topic, however.
Conversation Don’ts
1. Don’t get serious too quickly: Early dates are not the time to bring up weighty relationship issues. Don’t discuss marriage on a first, second or third date. It might be appropriate conversation by a fifteenth date.
2. Don’t discuss exes: A date is not the time to bring up a past relationship. Talking about an ex on a date indicates an unwillingness to move forward into new relationships.
3. Don’t mention your biological clock: Regardless of how much you long for children, do not mention this desire on an early date. Discussing kids too soon is a surefire way to never see your date again.
4. Don’t interrogate your date: While it is friendly to ask your date questions, do not quiz her. A date should not be a barrage of intense questions; it should be a relaxed and pleasant give and take.
5. Don’t lie: Do not tell your date you are something you are not; the truth will eventually come out and an early lie can derail any chance the relationship may have had.
Whatever you talk to your date about, make sure you listen to your date at least as much as you talk. Treat your date with respect, do not interrupt when someone else is speaking, and be generally courteous to everyone around you
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Wednesday, 22 October 2008
ACTIVITIES TO GET BACK ON THE DATING SCENE
Shows that highlight the singles lifestyle like “Sex in the City” make couples think back on their single bachelor/bachelorette days with nostalgia. However, many couples forget how difficult and anxiety-ridden it could be to live within the singles scene. Many single men and women will admit that it isn’t always easy living the single lifestyle. Maybe you have been single for a while now and want to find out how to thrust yourself into the dating scene or maybe you have recently left a relationship and want to pick up and move on. Whatever your situation may be, here are some ideas on activities and outings that will seamlessly get you right back into the dating scene.
1) Hobbies: Perhaps you love cooking gourmet dinners or baking delicious pastries and cookies. Or maybe you enjoy woodworking or welding or pottery. Now is the time to take a class on one of your hobbies. You may end up meeting somebody in your class who shares your same interests and hobbies. You can find these types of classes at your local gourmet grocery store, a local community college or university or through your local newspaper or crafts store. Be adventurous and take that class on stained glass like you’ve always thought about. Even if you don’t end up meeting somebody that is datable, you’ll have a new craft or hobby under your belt.
2) Go Out With Friends: When we’re single, we have other single friends or couples who invite us to go out dancing or to the movies or out to eat. Many times, we end up declining because we don’t want to feel like the third wheel or we just get “too tired” to go out. Why not try actually going out when friends invite you? Unless you have an endless stream of repairmen or repairwomen coming through your apartment or house, you won’t meet anybody staying at home watching reruns of “Friends” and “NYPD Blue.” Put on that new dress or that new shirt and have fun. You never know who you may end up meeting when you actually put yourself out there.
3) Happy Hours: No matter where you currently work, chances are there is somebody at your office that always organizes a happy hour at least once a month. This is when a group of colleagues go out after work on a Friday and have drinks and cheap appetizers. This gives you a chance to be yourself after a day of being locked up in a cube or office poring over memos and data. It is hard to completely be yourself in the work environment, so this will give your colleagues a chance to see you as yourself, away from the office.
4) Holiday Parties: Thanksgiving and Christmas are around the corner and you are getting invitations left and right to attend this and that holiday party. Instead of snuggling up alone with a fruit cake and a mug of egg nog in front of your fireplace, why not try attending some of these holiday parties. You will not only meet potential friends, but also potential dates.
5) Blind Dates: When you are single, almost every friend you have and every couple you know will want to set you up on a blind date because they think they know a perfect mate for you. Instead of discounting your friends and family who are setting these blind dates up, go on them. Who knows? Maybe your mom really does know what type of woman or man you like.
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Shows that highlight the singles lifestyle like “Sex in the City” make couples think back on their single bachelor/bachelorette days with nostalgia. However, many couples forget how difficult and anxiety-ridden it could be to live within the singles scene. Many single men and women will admit that it isn’t always easy living the single lifestyle. Maybe you have been single for a while now and want to find out how to thrust yourself into the dating scene or maybe you have recently left a relationship and want to pick up and move on. Whatever your situation may be, here are some ideas on activities and outings that will seamlessly get you right back into the dating scene.
1) Hobbies: Perhaps you love cooking gourmet dinners or baking delicious pastries and cookies. Or maybe you enjoy woodworking or welding or pottery. Now is the time to take a class on one of your hobbies. You may end up meeting somebody in your class who shares your same interests and hobbies. You can find these types of classes at your local gourmet grocery store, a local community college or university or through your local newspaper or crafts store. Be adventurous and take that class on stained glass like you’ve always thought about. Even if you don’t end up meeting somebody that is datable, you’ll have a new craft or hobby under your belt.
2) Go Out With Friends: When we’re single, we have other single friends or couples who invite us to go out dancing or to the movies or out to eat. Many times, we end up declining because we don’t want to feel like the third wheel or we just get “too tired” to go out. Why not try actually going out when friends invite you? Unless you have an endless stream of repairmen or repairwomen coming through your apartment or house, you won’t meet anybody staying at home watching reruns of “Friends” and “NYPD Blue.” Put on that new dress or that new shirt and have fun. You never know who you may end up meeting when you actually put yourself out there.
3) Happy Hours: No matter where you currently work, chances are there is somebody at your office that always organizes a happy hour at least once a month. This is when a group of colleagues go out after work on a Friday and have drinks and cheap appetizers. This gives you a chance to be yourself after a day of being locked up in a cube or office poring over memos and data. It is hard to completely be yourself in the work environment, so this will give your colleagues a chance to see you as yourself, away from the office.
4) Holiday Parties: Thanksgiving and Christmas are around the corner and you are getting invitations left and right to attend this and that holiday party. Instead of snuggling up alone with a fruit cake and a mug of egg nog in front of your fireplace, why not try attending some of these holiday parties. You will not only meet potential friends, but also potential dates.
5) Blind Dates: When you are single, almost every friend you have and every couple you know will want to set you up on a blind date because they think they know a perfect mate for you. Instead of discounting your friends and family who are setting these blind dates up, go on them. Who knows? Maybe your mom really does know what type of woman or man you like.
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Monday, 20 October 2008
RIDICULOUS DATES
I was thinking the other day that I have been on some ridiculous dates in my time. Some have been a waste of my time and some have been utter fiasco's that barely require repeating. I got wondering as to how they happened in the first place and my answer was that I had let my guard down and had began to date people who weren't really compatible at all. Maybe it was because of recent abstinence from sex, or perhaps due to a need for company and affection - but in these circumstances I find myself agreeing to all sorts of idiocy.
Be assured that when you are dating you will meet your fair share of eccentrics, wasters and fools. You will meet those who will simply waste your time, show you little respect or have no idea why they are there. You will meet those who will make excuses and leave and a few who will not turn up at all. And on almost all occasions you do well to realize that it has very little to do with you. It takes all kinds to make a world and you will meet all kinds when you are dating.
The thing to remember when dating is that you are almost certain not going to hit the jackpot first time. It does happen occasionally particularly when younger (but for other reasons); but as we grow older we have harder criteria to meet and match with. Dating is a lottery, that's for sure. People will date you to see whether they can date you. They don't really want it to go anywhere, they simply want the sense of achievement from you saying yes. And that applies to men and to women.
I have met some real losers in my time. People who hadn't got a clue what they were doing. People who had probably last been to dinner when the menu was written in Latin. I have met the socially inept, the downright arrogant, the rude and vicious, the loud and raucous and the occasional stalker. And looking back I probably wouldn't have changed a thing except to say that I wish they hadn't cost me so much money and wasted so much of my time. The real ridiculous losers who I wish I had never dated are the ones who wasted more of my time that I can remember. The ones who kept me hanging on whilst they sorted out their own frail mental well-being. The ones who were 'confused' about their feelings and weren't sure if they could commit. Oh please. The most ridiculous people I have dated though without a doubt were the people who told lies and thought I would be too stupid to spot them.
Here is a lovely list of some ridiculous dating scenarios I have encountered over the years. I am sure yours are better or similar to mine but it just goes to show my friends that we are not alone! I have not included names to spare the not-so-innocent but you know who you are.
· A girl I met in New York and temporarily dated for a few weeks decided to spend three months phoning me every day when I was in Toronto. As she was a great girl I was extremely flattered but very wary as she had not been able to give any commitment previously. Anyway after being harangued for three months I relented and agreed to a romantic weekend back in Manhattan with her as she lived in New Jersey. She duly arranged my flights via Pittsburgh to La Guardia and booked me into the Grand Hyatt on 42nd Street for 3 nights. On landing I phoned her on a her cell phone to see where we would be meeting and she said that this weekend was not so good as she was busy ! She said she may be able to meet for dinner on Sunday evening! Today was Friday. So I spent three solitary days in New York by myself seeing the sights and walking for miles. I never did get an explanation but lets just say that I decided she was insane.
· I met a very excitable girl on a dating site who seemed to be really lovely. After a couple of weeks of chatting I agreed to get the train to London where we could meet for dinner. As I was pulling into the station after a 6 hours journey beginning at 5am my phone rang. The girl asked if I had arrived and we had a short chat. On arriving at my hotel the girl called again to say that she wouldn't be meeting me as she had heard an echo on my phone and believed that I was a married man calling from my London apartment and disguising the fact that I was married !! This was based on no evidence whatsoever. After reasoning with her she did turn up to meet me in a bar. Well I presume she did as I had long since gone home. Ridiculous.
· When living in Hong Kong I dated a very lovely local girl from Kowloon for a couple of weeks and we danced and dined out and laughed and went sightseeing. We never kissed or touched as is the Chinese way and kept things on a platonic level. One night in a thunderstorm on the Peak above central Hong Kong we kissed for the first time and she announced that she had decided that we would be married and that she intended to see me every day from now on. Without asking she attempted to move into my room, brought her things and refused to leave. What began as a kiss within hours turned into a comic case of stalking unparalleled in my experience. The phone had to be kept off and my movements varied. Weeks later I left Hong Kong and never went back. Be careful who you kiss!
· I remember dating a girl who believed she was the worlds greatest liar. She would come out with lots of amazing stories about who she had been with and where and it was clear every time that they were made up. In fact it was so obvious that she was lying that even her friends would cringe. She would always get very angry if any questions were asked but the ridiculous thing was that she really did think I believed her. In fact she was so much of a liar that to this day it is impossible to speak to her due to still trying to convince me of untruths.
You could make up excuses for these kinds of behavior but its always best just to smile and put it down to experience. Life isn't so serious when dating and most of the people you meet are lovely. It is the eccentricities of people that make me laugh. But the ones that hurt are the ones where people tell lies to fool you. Like the girl I dated who went to visit her sister in Barcelona. She told me it was for a few weeks and each week would say she would be back shortly. After three months she had not returned and it transpired that she was now actually living in Barcelona and dating a guy from the US. However she found it easier to keep me hanging on than tell the truth. These are the people we can do without.
Be Cautious as Follows:
· Don't put yourself out on a limb for a new date
· Don't travel unnecessarily unless you are sure
· Don't believe everything you are told initially
· Don't trust everything you perceive at first
· Women can be as manipulative as men can be
· Do laugh about your dating mishaps later
· Have a sense of humor when dating
· Try and be philosophical about the ridiculous nature of events
· Don't spend too much money when dating initially
· Don't expect too much when dating a lot, just relax
· Put life and people down to experience
· You will kiss a few frogs before you find a prince
· Make sure you are prepared for what you are getting into
· Always get photos of people you met on the Internet first
· Don't let people waste your time and never be too accommodating
· If people have wasted your time don't give a second chance and walk away
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I was thinking the other day that I have been on some ridiculous dates in my time. Some have been a waste of my time and some have been utter fiasco's that barely require repeating. I got wondering as to how they happened in the first place and my answer was that I had let my guard down and had began to date people who weren't really compatible at all. Maybe it was because of recent abstinence from sex, or perhaps due to a need for company and affection - but in these circumstances I find myself agreeing to all sorts of idiocy.
Be assured that when you are dating you will meet your fair share of eccentrics, wasters and fools. You will meet those who will simply waste your time, show you little respect or have no idea why they are there. You will meet those who will make excuses and leave and a few who will not turn up at all. And on almost all occasions you do well to realize that it has very little to do with you. It takes all kinds to make a world and you will meet all kinds when you are dating.
The thing to remember when dating is that you are almost certain not going to hit the jackpot first time. It does happen occasionally particularly when younger (but for other reasons); but as we grow older we have harder criteria to meet and match with. Dating is a lottery, that's for sure. People will date you to see whether they can date you. They don't really want it to go anywhere, they simply want the sense of achievement from you saying yes. And that applies to men and to women.
I have met some real losers in my time. People who hadn't got a clue what they were doing. People who had probably last been to dinner when the menu was written in Latin. I have met the socially inept, the downright arrogant, the rude and vicious, the loud and raucous and the occasional stalker. And looking back I probably wouldn't have changed a thing except to say that I wish they hadn't cost me so much money and wasted so much of my time. The real ridiculous losers who I wish I had never dated are the ones who wasted more of my time that I can remember. The ones who kept me hanging on whilst they sorted out their own frail mental well-being. The ones who were 'confused' about their feelings and weren't sure if they could commit. Oh please. The most ridiculous people I have dated though without a doubt were the people who told lies and thought I would be too stupid to spot them.
Here is a lovely list of some ridiculous dating scenarios I have encountered over the years. I am sure yours are better or similar to mine but it just goes to show my friends that we are not alone! I have not included names to spare the not-so-innocent but you know who you are.
· A girl I met in New York and temporarily dated for a few weeks decided to spend three months phoning me every day when I was in Toronto. As she was a great girl I was extremely flattered but very wary as she had not been able to give any commitment previously. Anyway after being harangued for three months I relented and agreed to a romantic weekend back in Manhattan with her as she lived in New Jersey. She duly arranged my flights via Pittsburgh to La Guardia and booked me into the Grand Hyatt on 42nd Street for 3 nights. On landing I phoned her on a her cell phone to see where we would be meeting and she said that this weekend was not so good as she was busy ! She said she may be able to meet for dinner on Sunday evening! Today was Friday. So I spent three solitary days in New York by myself seeing the sights and walking for miles. I never did get an explanation but lets just say that I decided she was insane.
· I met a very excitable girl on a dating site who seemed to be really lovely. After a couple of weeks of chatting I agreed to get the train to London where we could meet for dinner. As I was pulling into the station after a 6 hours journey beginning at 5am my phone rang. The girl asked if I had arrived and we had a short chat. On arriving at my hotel the girl called again to say that she wouldn't be meeting me as she had heard an echo on my phone and believed that I was a married man calling from my London apartment and disguising the fact that I was married !! This was based on no evidence whatsoever. After reasoning with her she did turn up to meet me in a bar. Well I presume she did as I had long since gone home. Ridiculous.
· When living in Hong Kong I dated a very lovely local girl from Kowloon for a couple of weeks and we danced and dined out and laughed and went sightseeing. We never kissed or touched as is the Chinese way and kept things on a platonic level. One night in a thunderstorm on the Peak above central Hong Kong we kissed for the first time and she announced that she had decided that we would be married and that she intended to see me every day from now on. Without asking she attempted to move into my room, brought her things and refused to leave. What began as a kiss within hours turned into a comic case of stalking unparalleled in my experience. The phone had to be kept off and my movements varied. Weeks later I left Hong Kong and never went back. Be careful who you kiss!
· I remember dating a girl who believed she was the worlds greatest liar. She would come out with lots of amazing stories about who she had been with and where and it was clear every time that they were made up. In fact it was so obvious that she was lying that even her friends would cringe. She would always get very angry if any questions were asked but the ridiculous thing was that she really did think I believed her. In fact she was so much of a liar that to this day it is impossible to speak to her due to still trying to convince me of untruths.
You could make up excuses for these kinds of behavior but its always best just to smile and put it down to experience. Life isn't so serious when dating and most of the people you meet are lovely. It is the eccentricities of people that make me laugh. But the ones that hurt are the ones where people tell lies to fool you. Like the girl I dated who went to visit her sister in Barcelona. She told me it was for a few weeks and each week would say she would be back shortly. After three months she had not returned and it transpired that she was now actually living in Barcelona and dating a guy from the US. However she found it easier to keep me hanging on than tell the truth. These are the people we can do without.
Be Cautious as Follows:
· Don't put yourself out on a limb for a new date
· Don't travel unnecessarily unless you are sure
· Don't believe everything you are told initially
· Don't trust everything you perceive at first
· Women can be as manipulative as men can be
· Do laugh about your dating mishaps later
· Have a sense of humor when dating
· Try and be philosophical about the ridiculous nature of events
· Don't spend too much money when dating initially
· Don't expect too much when dating a lot, just relax
· Put life and people down to experience
· You will kiss a few frogs before you find a prince
· Make sure you are prepared for what you are getting into
· Always get photos of people you met on the Internet first
· Don't let people waste your time and never be too accommodating
· If people have wasted your time don't give a second chance and walk away
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Sunday, 19 October 2008
FIRST IMPRESSIONS FOR MEN
In you stroll, looking hot in that new dress or suit with the Manolo's or Jimmy Choo shoes. You know you look good after all, it cost you a fortune. You are feeling confident due to the way you are looking and you know he wants you. Go get him girl. Does that ring true? Well maybe, maybe not. On the other hand, in you stroll, black Armani or Hugo Boss suit, Italian leather shoes, handmade shirt. You are feeling good, you are feeling successful, you are feeling confident. Yes, my friends, in this fatuous day and age we are what we wear.
Now I am not saying that we need to spend a King's ransom on the latest designer gear, fashions, style and hand crafted luxury wear from Italy or wherever. But I am suggesting that when we dress well we feel good, we believe we look good and we feel we can do anything we choose. So when dating, its important to look good because if you do, you will feel good too. Good style means a good level of confidence.
Forget arguing about body shape and expense in your defense against my argument here, it doesn't wash. You can look stylish and classic whatever your shape within reason and whatever your budget. Black will always be classic and well tailored clothes will always look a cut above the rest. I cannot walk down any high street or through any mall these days without being inundated with a sense of style. Everywhere we look there are shops desperate to dress you well. The fact that you don't choose to go in them is not the point. Therefore turning up for your first date in a comfy sweatshirt or sports top may make you feel relaxed but it shows absolute contempt for your date who has spent the best part of the last two hours getting ready for your squalid self. Get a grip man.
Okay so whilst my female readership doesn't need a lecture in self presentation generally, my male readership often does. The first thing I want you to remember men is that a woman will judge you by looking straight down at your shoes. You may not see what the fuss is about but she may as well be looking straight past your shoes, all the way down to hell. The fact is, the truth is in the detail. You have washed and scrubbed up well, but casting a more detailed glance over you and the small discrepancies are soon revealed. Missing cufflinks, tie all over the place, missing shirt button etc. All mean that deep down either you are a deeply wild and windswept sex god or you are a disaster in the making who has no idea of style and presentation. If you can't dress yourself buddy, what makes you think you can undress her.
But shoes are the biggest giveaway because men think of them as practical necessities that are comfortable rather than looking at the style involved. It is obvious what is classic and in fashion right now, simply turn your eyes and look through the window of the nearest ubiquitous show store. Once you have bought them, ensure they match the rest of the outfit. No don't mix brown with black and if shoeshine cream is as rare as diamonds in your apartment then get back to the shop and sort it out. Good shoes mean that you have attention to detail, she has seen and she has noted!
Men often make the mistake of thinking that the woman is relaxed and kind of a casual gal so he doesn't need to go mad when meeting up. He can be smart but casual. I have news for you, most men are casual, not smart but casual. It doesn't happen in my experience. Men have no idea at all what is like to get ready as a woman. The fact that you look subtle and classically understated is lost on a man. He thinks it took you 5 minutes to get ready. He has no idea. Which is why he threw on the white shirt that needed an iron and a pair of casual trousers in such a carefree fashion.
Do not believe GQ-style magazines, however marvelous they are. Whilst there is a small core of very well dressed men out there, they are not the norm. Take your average guy shopping to the mall on a Saturday afternoon and see how long he lasts. Whilst men have a better idea about appearance and do know some label makes and names, they are still eons behind women. But all is not lost. A man with a career can sort himself out in a few easy steps, he simply needs to get his wallet out.
Every man over the age of 25 should have a black, classic, single-breasted, good-quality suit together with the same in navy blue. He should have a casual jacket and a collection of plain colored well made cotton shirts. He should have three pairs of good quality leather shoes, in black and brown and they should be modern and in good condition. A man should have a good quality masculine watch. This is very important as it is possibly the only piece of jewelry a man may ever display. Okay a watch is a timepiece and a necessity but it speaks volumes about you. Some women have expressed a liking for men with large masculine sports watches, but whatever you do wear, it should be a classic as it will speak volumes about your taste.
You should always carry on you a good quality leather wallet that is not stuffed with receipts, preferably in black which you always wear within a jacket pocket, not stuffed into a pocket of your trousers. Whilst you may begin to think I am trying to describe James Bond, you are not far wrong. You can do far worse than to watch a Bond movie to get a sense of class and style. Neither am I suggesting that you alter your image from that which is really you. But as we are discussing first impressions, then you will need to think carefully about the way you do present yourself.
I can only think of a handful of men in my lifetime who do smart but casual well. For many men, it means jeans and a crumpled shirt with the sleeves rolled up. Take a good look about you and think long and hard about your current image and get some feedback from female friends as to how they really perceive your look. You may get a nasty shock. If you are pleasantly surprised then you are on your way.
Finally, though I have spelt this out before, I will do it one more time. Looking good is important, as is feeling comfortable. However along with this you should smell good. For men, Aftershave and cologne of a high quality are essential, and the less mainstream the better. For a start, if it is not one of the perennial brands then your date may not have smelled the scent before and will find it unusual and possibly attractive. She will most certainly notice. This is all part of making a good impression. It shows you have made an effort for her and you care. More than one Aftershave is good, a lemon based on for day wear and a heavier woody cologne for the evening with a hint of musk. But always consult and test because many Aftershaves do not suit some types of skin. So spray and then walk round the store before deciding.
Looking and smelling good is not a one-off situation. For second and subsequent dates you need to keep up the good work so I am not recommending your first impression-making attempts are not really you. I really am suggesting you take a long hard look at your current image and begin to change things for the better if necessary. And certainly for the long term. Finally, remember that your efforts will be appreciated even if nothing is ever said. In one short phrase, first impressions count.
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In you stroll, looking hot in that new dress or suit with the Manolo's or Jimmy Choo shoes. You know you look good after all, it cost you a fortune. You are feeling confident due to the way you are looking and you know he wants you. Go get him girl. Does that ring true? Well maybe, maybe not. On the other hand, in you stroll, black Armani or Hugo Boss suit, Italian leather shoes, handmade shirt. You are feeling good, you are feeling successful, you are feeling confident. Yes, my friends, in this fatuous day and age we are what we wear.
Now I am not saying that we need to spend a King's ransom on the latest designer gear, fashions, style and hand crafted luxury wear from Italy or wherever. But I am suggesting that when we dress well we feel good, we believe we look good and we feel we can do anything we choose. So when dating, its important to look good because if you do, you will feel good too. Good style means a good level of confidence.
Forget arguing about body shape and expense in your defense against my argument here, it doesn't wash. You can look stylish and classic whatever your shape within reason and whatever your budget. Black will always be classic and well tailored clothes will always look a cut above the rest. I cannot walk down any high street or through any mall these days without being inundated with a sense of style. Everywhere we look there are shops desperate to dress you well. The fact that you don't choose to go in them is not the point. Therefore turning up for your first date in a comfy sweatshirt or sports top may make you feel relaxed but it shows absolute contempt for your date who has spent the best part of the last two hours getting ready for your squalid self. Get a grip man.
Okay so whilst my female readership doesn't need a lecture in self presentation generally, my male readership often does. The first thing I want you to remember men is that a woman will judge you by looking straight down at your shoes. You may not see what the fuss is about but she may as well be looking straight past your shoes, all the way down to hell. The fact is, the truth is in the detail. You have washed and scrubbed up well, but casting a more detailed glance over you and the small discrepancies are soon revealed. Missing cufflinks, tie all over the place, missing shirt button etc. All mean that deep down either you are a deeply wild and windswept sex god or you are a disaster in the making who has no idea of style and presentation. If you can't dress yourself buddy, what makes you think you can undress her.
But shoes are the biggest giveaway because men think of them as practical necessities that are comfortable rather than looking at the style involved. It is obvious what is classic and in fashion right now, simply turn your eyes and look through the window of the nearest ubiquitous show store. Once you have bought them, ensure they match the rest of the outfit. No don't mix brown with black and if shoeshine cream is as rare as diamonds in your apartment then get back to the shop and sort it out. Good shoes mean that you have attention to detail, she has seen and she has noted!
Men often make the mistake of thinking that the woman is relaxed and kind of a casual gal so he doesn't need to go mad when meeting up. He can be smart but casual. I have news for you, most men are casual, not smart but casual. It doesn't happen in my experience. Men have no idea at all what is like to get ready as a woman. The fact that you look subtle and classically understated is lost on a man. He thinks it took you 5 minutes to get ready. He has no idea. Which is why he threw on the white shirt that needed an iron and a pair of casual trousers in such a carefree fashion.
Do not believe GQ-style magazines, however marvelous they are. Whilst there is a small core of very well dressed men out there, they are not the norm. Take your average guy shopping to the mall on a Saturday afternoon and see how long he lasts. Whilst men have a better idea about appearance and do know some label makes and names, they are still eons behind women. But all is not lost. A man with a career can sort himself out in a few easy steps, he simply needs to get his wallet out.
Every man over the age of 25 should have a black, classic, single-breasted, good-quality suit together with the same in navy blue. He should have a casual jacket and a collection of plain colored well made cotton shirts. He should have three pairs of good quality leather shoes, in black and brown and they should be modern and in good condition. A man should have a good quality masculine watch. This is very important as it is possibly the only piece of jewelry a man may ever display. Okay a watch is a timepiece and a necessity but it speaks volumes about you. Some women have expressed a liking for men with large masculine sports watches, but whatever you do wear, it should be a classic as it will speak volumes about your taste.
You should always carry on you a good quality leather wallet that is not stuffed with receipts, preferably in black which you always wear within a jacket pocket, not stuffed into a pocket of your trousers. Whilst you may begin to think I am trying to describe James Bond, you are not far wrong. You can do far worse than to watch a Bond movie to get a sense of class and style. Neither am I suggesting that you alter your image from that which is really you. But as we are discussing first impressions, then you will need to think carefully about the way you do present yourself.
I can only think of a handful of men in my lifetime who do smart but casual well. For many men, it means jeans and a crumpled shirt with the sleeves rolled up. Take a good look about you and think long and hard about your current image and get some feedback from female friends as to how they really perceive your look. You may get a nasty shock. If you are pleasantly surprised then you are on your way.
Finally, though I have spelt this out before, I will do it one more time. Looking good is important, as is feeling comfortable. However along with this you should smell good. For men, Aftershave and cologne of a high quality are essential, and the less mainstream the better. For a start, if it is not one of the perennial brands then your date may not have smelled the scent before and will find it unusual and possibly attractive. She will most certainly notice. This is all part of making a good impression. It shows you have made an effort for her and you care. More than one Aftershave is good, a lemon based on for day wear and a heavier woody cologne for the evening with a hint of musk. But always consult and test because many Aftershaves do not suit some types of skin. So spray and then walk round the store before deciding.
Looking and smelling good is not a one-off situation. For second and subsequent dates you need to keep up the good work so I am not recommending your first impression-making attempts are not really you. I really am suggesting you take a long hard look at your current image and begin to change things for the better if necessary. And certainly for the long term. Finally, remember that your efforts will be appreciated even if nothing is ever said. In one short phrase, first impressions count.
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Wednesday, 15 October 2008
INSTANT LOVE
How do we know when the single person we have begun to date is more than just another date on our ever-growing list of nameless faces and faceless names?
After all, surely we need some identifying features to root out the wheat from the chaff. Is this single person we have seen 6 of 7 times just good fun or do we really think they have the qualities to become relationship material?
To answer your own question you need to know who you are looking for and what characteristics are attractive to you and then try and stick to them. If you are dating the right kind of people for you and not just filling gaps in your diary then this may get you off to a good start.
Much of what determines your commitment to your date in the first few days and weeks is a combination of intuition, extra sensory perception (feelings) and what you care to see with your own eyes. If you are desperately lonely and want to meet someone then anyone will do and this article is irrelevant. If, however, you are more choosey which I suspect deep down you all are, then you will want to tray and detect and then reassure yourself that you haven't just made an awful mistake.
The first thing you should do after the first couple of dates is take a step back and be honest with yourself as to how you are truly feeling. Have you been swept off your feet? Are you relieved they are nice? Are you blown away by their good looks? Can you handle the first few peculiarities you have spotted in the? And although they are cute now, will they be in 40 years? Can you see yourself with them 10 years down the line? Can you picture them older? Do they make you feel alive because before you were bored? Or do they make you feel alive because they are dynamite?
Do you hang on their every word and wait for the next date with baited breath? Do you find yourself abandoning your old routine and new horizons opening up? Can you still eat or has your appetite gone? Have you been shopping to make yourself look fresh and hot? Do you find yourself getting in at 4am from a date and do you find yourself having any sleepless nights with your mind full of excited thoughts?
Do you find yourself anxious and panicking? Do you find yourself questioning the intensity of how you are feeling? Are you finding your feelings fully reciprocated? Is there a clear sense of communication between you? Do you actually have similar opinions and tastes or do you care? Do you want to spend all your time with them now or do you find that you are worried your current lifestyle is being compromised more than you would like? Are you doing the calling or are they and how does this make you feel?
In other words, start analyzing the situation as you see it and be bold. Be critical and look at where you are finding yourself being led. If you are happy and content with all the major questions then keep going because you may have just chosen well. If you find on the other hand that you have some small niggling doubts then don't push these thoughts away as they aren't going anywhere, they will just become amplified over time.
The main issue is one of whether you trust your new date and whether you believe what you are being told. It is amazing how many single girl I meet how say that strangely they haven't been allowed to see where he lives, or are not quite sure what he does for a living or how much he earns or where his parents live. This isn't an enigma factor single ladies, it is a sure sign that all is not quite right. There may be some perfectly valid reasons why things are concealed from you in the first few weeks so don't push things too far. You may not yet have earned the right to know everything about your new love. At the same time, you should feel that the possibility of finding everything important out is imminent. Evasive behavior is exactly that - untrustworthy and your alarm bells should ring.
Trusting your imagination is very important. If you can see yourself with that a single person in all kinds of situations then you may have chosen well. It is important to creatively imagine how you think you will be together in various scenarios, from being on vacation, to being married, to maybe having children to being older. In doing so you get a sense of how things might work out or might not. If you really can't see yourself with them long term then maybe better to cut your losses whilst you can.
Conversation is critical in establishing if things feel right. Sex does not disguise any problems eventually although sex is a good temporary fix. If your relationship is based on sex then it’s great whilst it lasts but I doubt that it will last. People say that opposites attract and that is true in that you bring different experiences and opinions to the relationship but the foundation of being a great couple is on a deeper, more critical level of respect and understanding. I find that couples with similar outlooks on life do well together because they have built a support system for each other which require little explanation. It is called a common understanding. This sometimes explains why couples from certain regions, places, or faiths have better success than the melting pot luck of a big city.
Ultimately if you compliment each other and you find that your new love brings to the relationship most of the essential qualities that you really do hold most dear then you are in a strong position for relationship success. If there are some basic flaws but you are having a good time then enjoy yourself but know that the person you are with is for now and not for the future.
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How do we know when the single person we have begun to date is more than just another date on our ever-growing list of nameless faces and faceless names?
After all, surely we need some identifying features to root out the wheat from the chaff. Is this single person we have seen 6 of 7 times just good fun or do we really think they have the qualities to become relationship material?
To answer your own question you need to know who you are looking for and what characteristics are attractive to you and then try and stick to them. If you are dating the right kind of people for you and not just filling gaps in your diary then this may get you off to a good start.
Much of what determines your commitment to your date in the first few days and weeks is a combination of intuition, extra sensory perception (feelings) and what you care to see with your own eyes. If you are desperately lonely and want to meet someone then anyone will do and this article is irrelevant. If, however, you are more choosey which I suspect deep down you all are, then you will want to tray and detect and then reassure yourself that you haven't just made an awful mistake.
The first thing you should do after the first couple of dates is take a step back and be honest with yourself as to how you are truly feeling. Have you been swept off your feet? Are you relieved they are nice? Are you blown away by their good looks? Can you handle the first few peculiarities you have spotted in the? And although they are cute now, will they be in 40 years? Can you see yourself with them 10 years down the line? Can you picture them older? Do they make you feel alive because before you were bored? Or do they make you feel alive because they are dynamite?
Do you hang on their every word and wait for the next date with baited breath? Do you find yourself abandoning your old routine and new horizons opening up? Can you still eat or has your appetite gone? Have you been shopping to make yourself look fresh and hot? Do you find yourself getting in at 4am from a date and do you find yourself having any sleepless nights with your mind full of excited thoughts?
Do you find yourself anxious and panicking? Do you find yourself questioning the intensity of how you are feeling? Are you finding your feelings fully reciprocated? Is there a clear sense of communication between you? Do you actually have similar opinions and tastes or do you care? Do you want to spend all your time with them now or do you find that you are worried your current lifestyle is being compromised more than you would like? Are you doing the calling or are they and how does this make you feel?
In other words, start analyzing the situation as you see it and be bold. Be critical and look at where you are finding yourself being led. If you are happy and content with all the major questions then keep going because you may have just chosen well. If you find on the other hand that you have some small niggling doubts then don't push these thoughts away as they aren't going anywhere, they will just become amplified over time.
The main issue is one of whether you trust your new date and whether you believe what you are being told. It is amazing how many single girl I meet how say that strangely they haven't been allowed to see where he lives, or are not quite sure what he does for a living or how much he earns or where his parents live. This isn't an enigma factor single ladies, it is a sure sign that all is not quite right. There may be some perfectly valid reasons why things are concealed from you in the first few weeks so don't push things too far. You may not yet have earned the right to know everything about your new love. At the same time, you should feel that the possibility of finding everything important out is imminent. Evasive behavior is exactly that - untrustworthy and your alarm bells should ring.
Trusting your imagination is very important. If you can see yourself with that a single person in all kinds of situations then you may have chosen well. It is important to creatively imagine how you think you will be together in various scenarios, from being on vacation, to being married, to maybe having children to being older. In doing so you get a sense of how things might work out or might not. If you really can't see yourself with them long term then maybe better to cut your losses whilst you can.
Conversation is critical in establishing if things feel right. Sex does not disguise any problems eventually although sex is a good temporary fix. If your relationship is based on sex then it’s great whilst it lasts but I doubt that it will last. People say that opposites attract and that is true in that you bring different experiences and opinions to the relationship but the foundation of being a great couple is on a deeper, more critical level of respect and understanding. I find that couples with similar outlooks on life do well together because they have built a support system for each other which require little explanation. It is called a common understanding. This sometimes explains why couples from certain regions, places, or faiths have better success than the melting pot luck of a big city.
Ultimately if you compliment each other and you find that your new love brings to the relationship most of the essential qualities that you really do hold most dear then you are in a strong position for relationship success. If there are some basic flaws but you are having a good time then enjoy yourself but know that the person you are with is for now and not for the future.
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